The Donald Trump Guide to Crisis Management (Recently Revised)

 You'll want a manly helmet to protect you from falling debris when you're not going to Puerto Rico

You'll want a manly helmet to protect you from falling debris when you're not going to Puerto Rico

Hello, welcome to the official Donald Trump Guide to Crisis Management! The Donald famously “wrote” the ultimate business guide in The Art of the Deal and now he’s back with some pointers on how to handle crises the Donald Trump way! 

Rule 1: It’s all about you

You might look at the television and imagine that Hurricane Maria is about Puerto Rico experiencing a horrific natural disaster that has killed people, wiped out electricity and robbed vulnerable communities of drinking water. You might think it’s about our nation coming together in a crisis to help people who need it most. 

You would be wrong. Because like everything else in the world, from trans rights to peaceful protests against police brutality, this is one hundred percent about you. It’s only about you. Those brown people on the television? They don’t matter. They’re not like people in Texas and Florida, who vote Republican and listen to Kid Rock, like real Americans. They’re not patriotic, hard-working Americans. Are they even American? You have your doubts. 

These brown people, however, they don’t matter. They’re poor. They are not white. They probably don’t support you or buy your merchandise or frequent Trump hotels. They’re abstractions, not people. They might as well not exist. 

No, Hurricane Maria is all about you. It’s only about you. It’s about your television ratings. It’s about your approval ratings. It’s about fake news and CNN and The New York Times and The Washington Post existing solely to destroy you by unconscionably reporting accurately on your words and actions. It’s about Crooked Hillary Clinton. It’s about lying, dishonest Democrats saying nasty things about Trump. It’s about the Republicans being duplicitous weasels and Democrats being lazy morons out to sabotage you and America's greatness.

It’s about you winning and them losing. That’s all it’s ever been about. Never forget that.

 Don't let Fake News Fool You: Hurricane Maria has nothing to do with this 

Don't let Fake News Fool You: Hurricane Maria has nothing to do with this 

Rule 2: As with races, not all crises are equal. Make sure your response matches the skin color of the people affected

When natural disasters ravaged Texas and Florida, there was no question that the resources of the government should be devoted, quickly and selflessly, to people who desperately needed them. When dealing with the Spanish-speaking non-whites of Puerto Rico, however, we must now ask ourselves, “Do these people really deserve help?” Didn’t they kind of bring it upon themselves, the way a woman invites rape by wearing a low-cut shirt or tight trousers?” 

Everyone knows non-white people who criticize President Trump are entitled babies who want everything handed to them, and aren’t above callously exploiting tragedies so they can mooch “drinkable water” and “electricity” off the hard-working, patriotic, xenophobic, immigrant-hating American people. Be tough and aggressive with these people. Never feel guilty for making them feel bad for not being more prosperous and white. Do they have substantial debts or infrastructure issues? That’s something that should be pointed out in times of a crisis, just as you should always point out whether somebody died owing you money when delivering their eulogy.  

 If possible, use your international bullhorn to condemn the woman on the left.

If possible, use your international bullhorn to condemn the woman on the left.

Rule 3: Be nasty, be personal

In times of crises, politicians are encouraged to put partisan considerations aside for the sake of serving their communities rather than their parties, egos and ideologies . Fuck that noise. Only a weak leader allows the immensity of something like a hurricane devastating a community to allow them to forget the true essence of leadership: lashing out petulantly at anyone who criticizes you. 

Crises are no time to let go of the zealously cultivated grudges and simmering resentments that are at the core of a true leader’s life and career. Did a leader in the area affected by the crisis criticize you in any conceivable sense? Then your number one priority should be punishing her for that transgression. Don’t be afraid to sound like a second grader throwing a temper tantrum when railing against perceived enemies. Don’t worry about being “Presidential.” No, if someone hurts your feeling, end them, Mortal Kombat-style, even if they’re otherwise concerned with trivial matters like trying to keep their constituents from dying.

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Rule 4: Communicate your thoughts through the most dignified and prestigious vessel: Social Media

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Nothing screams “Presidential”, “Distinguished” or “Substantive” more than communicating with the American public primarily through a micro-blogging social media site popularized by such figures as Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian and Ashton Kutcher. Some might say it’s unPresidential, not to mention ungrammatical, to take three tweets to convey the message, “The Mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the Democrats that you must be nasty to Trump. ...Such poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico, who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort. 10,000 Federal workers now on Island doing a fantastic job” but you know that a great leader only needs several oddly punctuated social media messages to insult a mayor enduring almost inconceivable hardships and portray an entire ravaged community as entitled babies looking for a handout. 

By communicating through social media you can bypass the crooked, lying media and make sure that phrases like “such poor leadership” and “They want everything to be done for them” are how the world and history will remember your very mature, very adult, very appropriate response to a crisis. 

Rule 5: Crisis-lead from a place that commands respect, like a golf course

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Forget huddling with advisors in the White House or flying into the crisis zone on Air Force One. If you really want to command the respect of the American public during a crisis, do it while golfing. Nobody conveys “Churchillian dignity” quite like tweeting about how black football players that don’t agree with you should all be fired with tiny little doll fingers while your lumpy, misshapen ass is squeezed into a shapeless pair of white golf pants. If this golf course happens to be one of your own, so much the better. For wasn’t it JFK who famously thundered, “Ask not what your country what you can do for you. Ask what you can do to improve your golf game? Preferably at a Kennedy-branded golf course and resort?”

Rule 6: Who cares? 

Let’s be honest: you don’t care about Hurricane Maria. It’s boring and depressing and worst of all, gets bad ratings. So who really cares if your response is an international embarrassment? The world will forget about this quickly. By next month, you will have done so many additional unforgivable things that this will seem like nothing more than a fuzzy, distant memory, so don’t sweat it! It’s just a bunch of brown people’s lives, and they clearly don’t matter to you. At all.  

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