Enough is Enough, Even! This is Getting Ludicrous, Already! Join Our Campaign to Keep the SJWs at D.C from Making Snagglepuss Gay!
Well, they’ve finally gone too far.
I know I write that at least several times every year, about everything from Star Wars having a female protagonist to Starbucks not specifically promoting Christian holidays above all others, but I really mean it this time.
What finally caused me to snap? Well, I hope you’re sitting down for what I’m about to tell you, because it is a shocker: They went ahead and made Snagglepuss gay.
Fucking nuts, right? If there’s one thing people know about Hanna-Barbera’s cowardly, effete pink mountain lion is that he loves heterosexual sex. As Hanna-Barbera lewdly quipped when introducing to the character, “The ‘Puss’ in ‘Snagglepuss’ stands for ‘loves eating and fucking pussy’.”
Snagglepuss’ signature catchphrases, from “Exit, stage left” to “Heavens to Murgatroyd” to “Heavens to Betsy” are all fierce, albeit coded, expressions of heterosexual desire correlating to specific heterosexual sex acts. "Exit, stage left!" means Snagglepuss wants missionary sex, "Heavens to Murgatroyd! " means he wants doggystyle, and "Heavens to Betsy!", is, of course, what he says when he wants reverse cowgirl.
When my dad introduced me to Snagglepuss, he explained patiently, “This is Snagglepuss. He’s a pink mountain lion who fucks. And when I say ‘he fucks’ I’m not taking about members of his own gender. I’m talking about female mountain lions, who know and revere him as a world-class cocksmith.”
In hindsight, it seems strange that my father felt the need to specify a seemingly asexual cartoon lion’s sexuality, and also that he used the phrase “cocksmith”, since I was about four years old. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that, with the passing of Hugh Hefner, Snagglepuss is inarguably our greatest heterosexual icon. I learned what it meant to be a heterosexual man, and what it meant to be sexually attracted to a different gender, from Snagglepuss. Now I suppose that was all just a lie.
D.C just announced a six-issue mini-series assault on heterosexuality, American values, Judeo-Christian values and the well-worn mythology of Snagglepuss—as sacred and incontrovertible to me as the Old Testament and Ten Commandments—entitled Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles that unconscionably, and in flagrant violation of everything we know and love about the character, depicts Snagglepuss as closeted gay playwright in the 1950s.
That’s right: they made Snagglepuss gay. I’ll wait here while you pick your jaw up off the floor and wait for your eyes to return to the sockets they just busted out of, Tex Avery cartoon-style.
I know what you’re probably thinking:
Snagglepuss has always been straight.
Snagglepuss isn’t just straight: he’s a quintessential pussy-wolfer, an incorrigible womanizer for whom one women is never enough: he needs a full-on harem—of women of course—to satisfy his ragingly straight sexual urges. But no more. Now apparently Snagglepuss is a light in the loafers, disco-dancing Friend of Dorothy who'd love nothing better than to be doing poppers at Fire Island in the late 1970s before a boozy late brunch and not the hero and role model to straight little boys he has always been, and should always be.
This doesn’t work the other way around. Can you even imagine the outrage if they were to cast a white actor in a role that has traditionally been played by minorities, or that is a minority in book or comic book form? Or if they cast a movie with a gay protagonist with a heterosexual actor cast in a queer role?
The Black Lives matter and ACT UP gang would be up to their old tricks, rioting in the streets if some famous white actor got a role an Asian or African-American might have been more appropriate for. That’s why when Cameron Crowe wrote a role that called for a quarter-Chinese, quarter-Hawaiian actress in Aloha, he found an unknown minority actress named Emma Stone who not only was perfect for the role, but just so happened to be a quarter Chinese and quarter Hawaiian. It she hadn’t been, she’d be run out of Hollywood, along with Crowe. But no, the PC police and the SJWs would never stand for that, but they have no problem turning our greatest heterosexual hero into a lisping homosexual.
When rapper Will Smith, an African-American hoodlum from the inner-city ghetto, was cast as James West, the WHITE protagonist of Wild, Wild West, I bit my tongue. No, wait, that’s not entirely true. I complained about it a lot on social media and on the Ain’t It Cool News message boards and, to be honest, I got pretty racist pretty fast.
But I can’t bite my tongue any longer. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I feel strongly enough about that statement that I felt I had to write it in all caps. We must not “Exit, stage left” on this most crucial cultural issue. We must stand our ground and let the SJWs know that the world of Snagglepuss must remain a safe place where heterosexuality is not only accepted, but also encouraged and even enforced at gun point.
THIS is where we draw the line. THIS is where we make our stand.
If we do not halt this cultural assault here, who knows what icon of heterosexuality they’ll come for next. The Great Gazoo? Stewie from Family Guy? That character is a goddamned baby. Do those SJW monsters know any limits at all? Won't someone think of the children?
The time is now. The battle is fast approaching. We must win this war for Snagglepuss and for all of Western Civilization because the consequences of losing are too horrible to even contemplate.
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