The Lovable, Huggable, Totally Adorable Nazi Next Door


Jamie Swanson, a tall, lanky charmer in his late twenties with an infectious gap-toothed grin, is a man of contradictions. “I believe that Jews are human parasites who belong in ovens but I also love to eat bagels and watch Woody Allen movies. Oy gevalt!” he quips self-deprecatingly. “I also love, love, love Ira Glass. His voice is so soothing. When the revolution comes, he’ll be one of the last Jews to be gassed.”

Swanson represents a new breed of Neo-Nazi that prefers Wes Anderson movies to book burnings and listening to NPR and reading Pitchfork to marching in the streets. He’s part of an exciting, I mean alarming wave of hipster Fascists who are becomingly an increasingly common component of otherwise progressive leftist communities in college towns like Madison, Wisconsin and Austin, Texas.  

Jamie works during the day as a Barista in a hip, David Bowie-themed combination Portland coffee shop/record called Moonage Daydream. At night he’s an active presence on Alt-Right message boards where he and his fellow white supremacists discuss the best way to bring about a Fascist revolution when not arguing about the Velvet Underground.  

From his appearance alone, you would never suspect that the soft-spoken dreamboat with the wavy brown hair and wry sense of humor dreams constantly of genocide and posts on Reddit and 4Chan boards under the name HitlerJewKiller14. Indeed, his wife, Juliette, a quirky, funny and very attractive redhead in her mid-twenties with a stylish pixie hair cut, had no sense of her eventual husband’s politics when they first met. 

“I’ll never forget when I first saw Jamie. He was playing Nick Drake songs on an acoustic guitar in the park. When he looked at me with those big, soulful brown eyes, I literally swooned. Swooned! Like I was in a cartoon! For our first date, we rode bikes in a graveyard. For our second date, we had a picnic under a bridge and he played The White Album on a creaky old boombox. On our third date we just cuddled and binge-watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Late into the night he said to me, “I have something to tell you: I’m a neo-Nazi’ I thought he was joking! He had a bit of an odd sense of humor. By the time I found out that he was dead serious, it was too late to turn back. I’m actually an eighth Jewish on my mother’s side, but Jamie’s butt looks so cute in jeans that I can’t resist him!” 

Juliette grew up in a Liberal household and says she was a hard-core Progressive in college but when I visited their quaintly decorated two-bedroom apartment, she was casually knitting a Nazi flag. 

“I don’t know what it is about Jamie. There’s just something about his attitude and his personal style that makes advocating for the genocide of all non-whites seem like a good idea, and honestly, not that big of a deal.” 

Jamie then enters the room and shoots his wife an affectionate smile. Sipping from a cup of Earl Grey tea, he carefully places a well-worn copy of Belle & Sebastian’s If You’re Feeling Sinister on the ancient record player in his living room. Jamie closes his eyes as the music begins. Music affects him deeply. He is a gifted bluegrass musician in his own right, equally skilled in the banjo and acoustic guitar. 

Jamie listens in something approaching silent awe at the entire first side of the album. But he pipes up again when turning the album over. “Belle & Sebastian never really talk about it in their music. They pretend to be apolitical so as not to alienate people, but I’m confident that in the coming race war, Belle & Sebastian will definitely be on the Aryan side." he insists.

“You’ve got to have priorities” Jamie enthuses. “For me, personally, my priorities are maintaining a healthy vegan lifestyle, exercising regularly, being an active participant in my food co-op and preserving the White race from the mongrel hordes who would destroy it through miscegenation."  

His words might seem shocking and even offensive to many Americans but honestly, if you saw his grin in person, your heart would just melt and you’d do anything he says, no matter how abhorrent. 

Neo-Nazis like the Swansons are the new face of Fascism in America. They have super-cool wardrobes, amazing hair and really good taste in music. I kind of totally want to be them, you know, minus the Nazi part. They’re super-likable and sexy and continually surprise you with their idiosyncrasies. 

After downing a few micro-brews at a local pub, for example, Jamie made an unexpected confession: “I think African-Americans are sub-human and that the races should be separated, but if loving Beyonce’s latest jam is a crime, then I plead guilty!” 

Almost as an afterthought, he adds, “Truth be told, I’m also guilty of actual hate crimes against immigrants. But that’s a story for another time!”

Alas, I then had to say goodbye. I bid the couple a fond farewell and while I mostly still disagree with their beliefs, there’s no denying that these magnetic, irresistible Jew-haters are injecting a fun new energy into the previously staid and convention-bound world of Neo-Nazism and White Supremacy. 

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