Exploiting the Archives Week: Why Hollywood Won't Cast Andie MacDowell Anymore
Nathan Rabin's Happy Place (or rather, Nathan Rabin) is taking the week between Christmas and New Year's Off to prevent him from going insane (seriously, dude is on the edge! Writing about himself in the third person and everything). So the next week will be Exploiting the Archives week, where we'll be running some of our favorite pieces from the year that was.
Okay, so I heard this from a guy who heard it from a guy, but he said Steven Spielberg was filming War Horse in England and Andie MacDowell bursts onto the set, reeking of whiskey, vomit and, puzzlingly enough, tears (what do they even smell like?). She ran up to Spielberg and yelled at the top of her lungs, “So, Mr. E.T Man is too good to read my script for an A.I sequel just because it’s super-racist and ‘I haven’t even formatted the thing correctly?’ Oh yeah? Well they’re going to have to “format” your brain once I blow it to pieces!"
And she pulls out this giant fucking handgun, it’s like, “how the fuck did she get past security, right?” and she’s blasting and blasting and blasting and these are big fucking bullets, and she’s shooting from close range so she’s hitting every time and Spielberg is dead instantly, but she keeps on shooting and cackling with glee, like, totally unrepentant, just out of her goddamned mind.
No one knows what the fuck she’s talking about, and it turns out she’s an aspiring screenwriter, a very bad one. I mean that completely nonsensical line about “formatting your brain by blowing it to pieces" could have come from one of her scripts. She was that bad, and she had been sending Spielberg copies of sequels for all of his movies, beginning with Always, and he would very politely reject her ideas until she just fucking went nuts. Because two things people don’t know about Andie MacDowell: she will kill a person just as soon as look at them, and also is just completely homicidal. She is out of her mind with murderous rage and consumed with hatred for Steven Spielberg, much of it rooted in anti-Semitism and a searing, seemingly inexplicable contempt for the beloved children's classic E.T.
So everybody’s like, “Oh fucking shit! No! He’s literally the single biggest and most consistently popular American filmmaker of the past fifty years and that crazy lady from Notting Hill and Four Wedding and a Funeral just shot him a bunch of times at close range. He’s dead as fuck!”
Nobody looks good in this scenario, so there’s a huge cover-up. Spielberg is covertly replaced by a lookalike, which explains why his movies have been so boring as of late, and to keep her from killing other of our most commercially significant artists, MacDowell was placed under a different name in a military prison. A very harsh, abusive, secret military prison that she will never get out of alive.
So that, in a nutshell, is why Andie McDowell doesn’t get cast anymore*
*Of course none of that is true, but I have always wondered what lie beneath clickbait with these kinds of titles so I took an educated guess
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