Dear Jesus, Thank You for the D.C Cinematic Universe!
I am not much of a praying man. In fact, I’m Jewish so I don’t really know why I’m praying to you at all except that my heart is overflowing with gratitude and joy and I felt I needed to share that with Someone.
A week ago I was lost. I was without hope. But then something happened that reinvigorated my lust for life: a tentative outline of upcoming D.C Cinematic Universe movies was released, and all I can say is
Oh my God!
What the fuck!
What parts of the upcoming D.C Cinematic Universe slate am I excited about? Um, how about all of them!
Take, for example, Cyborg, the semi-obscure superhero who made absolutely no impression whatsoever during his thirty-second introduction in Batman v Superman, a movie with a 27 percent approval rating on influential ratings aggregator (and, more importantly, Nathan Rabin employer) Rotten Tomatoes. How could I not want to see a 150 million dollar movie about this character linked to a whole series of poorly received comic book adaptations duct-taped together through clumsy allusions and pained, contractually obligated star cameos?
As far as I’m concerned, a Cyborg movie couldn’t be more necessary or eagerly anticipated, or justified, but that’s just the beginning of the double-decker sundae of sure-fire awesomeness that is the D.C slate.
A Joker movie on the horizon would be almost inconceivably exciting, but what if I told you that there are two, count them two upcoming Joker movies in the works, one a Natural Born Killers style romp with Jared Leto’s the Joker and Margaret Robbie’s Harley Quinn as larcenous lovers, and the other a “gritty” Joker origin story from director Todd Phillips and producer Martin Scorsese?
You might be moved to think I was participating in a sinister, Joker-like jest myself, but I can assure you I am not! In this best of all possible worlds, both of these movies are in the works, both will be made, and both will be treasured and adored until the ends of time. Watch out, Heath Ledger, you sad fucking corpse. Your portrayal of the Joker is about to be topped not once but twice!
Perhaps the participation of a notoriously clownish director such as Todd Phillips, the mirth-maker behind the Hangover trilogy, will bring something fresh to this iconic baddie! All I know is the Joker is an incredibly rich character whose potential has thus far gone completely unrealized, leaving the door open to at least two dozen more definitive and essential re-interpretations.
What the world needs now is lots more Joker-based entertainment. Thank god D.C is answering our cry. They were overwhelmed by the universally positive response Suicide Squad received from critics and fans and were savvy enough to heed the public’s angry cry for both more of the Squad and more of each of its beloved members.
Another Suicide Squad movie? Why, a second serving of those super-heroically evil miscreants is just what the world has been angrily screaming out for with the unhinged intensity of a mad poet screaming for his dead muse! Yes, please!
A Suicide Squad sequel directed by Mel Gibson? Why there’s nothing remotely troubling or problematic or disturbing about that on any level, just good plain nasty fun, D.C Universe style! That’s not the only team-up looming tantalizingly on the horizon. What if I told you there was a full-on Justice League movie from the team behind Batman v Superman? What? Are you literally orgasming with joy right now? I bet you are.
You might get even more excited, and hornier, to hear that Justice League had extensive re-shoots after filming wrapped. Reshoots are when a movie studio has complete faith in a movie, but think it would be even more awesome if they went back and filmed a bunch of expensive new scenes in a bid to improve on perfection.
And what of the Justice League's Dark Knight? Let's just say that like the rest of the world, I've gone "batty" for Ben Affleck's portrayal of Bruce Wayne/Batman in Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad. The two-time Oscar winner's clear belief in Zack Snyder's vision shines through in every deeply committed moment onscreen.
For Affleck, Bruce Wayne is clearly the role of a lifetime, and I hear that he insists on being called The Batman at all times even in his private life to further immerse himself in the role he will be remembered for. Affleck was first going to direct the stand-alone spin-off The Batman, but then he stepped down or got fired or something, which is great, and bodes well for the movie, because he's still going to star in it. For the time being. Oh, and the new director threw out his script. Which will be good for their relationship and chemistry and the finished film. Two directors? Twice the blockbuster! Twice the gothic brilliance! I'm literally vibrating with excitement over how good The Batman and all of the subsequent Ben Affleck Batman movies are guaranteed to be.
But Batman is far from the only shining star in D.C's Galaxy! You don’t have to be a “comic book nerd” to completely lose your shit over the news that famous, beloved DC Characters like Shazam, Black Adam, Booster Gold and Nightwing will all get their own movies and these movies will all be great! And huge hits!
Can you even imagine a Shazam movie? I’m not sure I know what that character looks like or what his story is, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a huge audience for a movie like that would easily justify spending hundreds of millions making, promoting and distributing a Shazam movie.
D.C just plain knows what it’s doing. That’s what made Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad so great and it will lead to the upcoming slate of D.C movies being to cinema what the early Wu-Tang Clan solo albums were to hip hop.
Will Cyborg be the Only Built 4 Cuban Linx of the D.C Universe or will that distinction belong to “Untitled 2018 D.C Movie?” only time will tell. All I know is that all of these movies will be great and everyone will love them. Furthermore, they’ll help fill the void in our culture left by the curious dearth of comic book-based films and television shows.
You can quote me on that! It’s the Nathan Rabin promise.
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