Exploiting the Archives Week: Shady Things Everyone Just Ignores About David Hyde Pierce

Get a load of this sick fuck.

Get a load of this sick fuck.

Nathan Rabin's Happy Place (or rather, Nathan Rabin) is taking the week between Christmas and New Year's Off to prevent him from going insane (seriously, dude is on the edge! Writing about himself in the third person and everything). So the next week will be Exploiting the Archives week, where we'll be running some of our favorite pieces from the year that was.

Unlike troubled Frasier co-star Kelsey Grammer, whose public image has taken hit after hit due to drug addiction, erratic personal and professional behavior and multiple divorces, David Hyde Pierce enjoys an unblemished personal and professional reputation. The openly gay four time Emmy winner, and Tony winner for 2007’s Curtains has been married to writer, producer and actor Brian Hargrove since 2008, and has stayed out of the tabloids and the gossip rags. 

The world knows Pierce as a charming, gifted, wealthy veteran entertainer but we here at Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place have uncovered a shady side of Pierce’s past everyone just ignores. These inconvenient truths cast serious doubt on Pierce’s squeaky-clean public persona as a kindly entertainer and non-mass-murderer. 

Student nurses turn up dead everywhere Pierce has lived or work

Pierce was born in Saratoga Springs, New York in 1959 and played the organ at church during a childhood that only appeared idyllic. The only signs of darkness in Pierce’s otherwise charmed young life came from a series of brutal murders and vivisections of student nurses that has gone unsolved to this day. 

Yes, between 1974 and 1976, no less than 12 student nurses went missing in Saratoga Springs, when Pierce was a high schooler in the seemingly innocent small town. A baffled police describe the suspect as “Thin, droll, effete, aristocratic, erudite-seeming and bearing a distinct familial resemblance to Kelsey Grammer, who will be a very successful actor in the future.”  

Then Pierce left home and attended Yale, which, in a completely related development, was similarly bedeviled by a series of unsolved murders of student nurses. Awfully big coincidence, huh? Pierce then moved to New York where, stop us if you’ve heard this one before, a whole bunch of student nurses went missing and turned up deceased and missing most of their limbs. 

DHP is responsible for most of these murders 

DHP is responsible for most of these murders 

Pierce of course achieved his greatest success as a television actor in Los Angeles, California, as Niles Crane in Frasier. During that time, L.A was overwhelmed by what police describe as the “epidemic” mass murder of student nurses. Los Angeles has quietly seen the brutal execution of over twenty student nurses in just the past two decades (when a certain droll character actor lived and worked there) but we’re apparently the only people pointing a finger accusingly in Pierce’s direction. 

Suspect (left) possible accomplice (right)

Suspect (left) possible accomplice (right)

According to his diaries, Pierce tortured small animals and pets as a child, a common trait of future murderers

Tabloids and gossip rags have ignored Pierce for some reason, but the investigative team at Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place took it upon themselves to hack into Pierce’s computer and ransack his personal safe, which contains the diary he kept from ages nine to fourteen, shortly before student nurses began turning up dead and dismembered around Sarasota Springs. 

Pierce’s diaries allude extensively to something called “The Righteous Mission of Ultimate Vengeance” and “The Godly, Eternal Flowers That Can Only Be Watered with the Blood of the She-Whores”, as well as the extensive torture and killing of small woodland creatures and household pets. That’s pretty rare for future actors but is totally in character for a future serial killer. 

Pierce buys an awful lot of hacksaws, duct tape, chloroform and corrosive acid for an “actor” but not for a prolific serial killer

Pierce may seem affable and composed on the red carpet, or while attending charity events. He cuts a much different, much darker figure, however, when he catches you breaking into his home or rifling through his trash. Pierce certainly wasn’t droll or charming when he found us collecting receipts from Home Depot for mass purchases of hacksaws, duct tape, chloroform and corrosive acid from his garbage can.

Gosh, why would a humble, mild-mannered actor need any of those things, let alone enough corrosive acid to take care of a massive open grave worth of corpses? It just doesn’t add up at all, unless Pierce isn’t the mensch he appears to be at all, but is instead a prolific, conscienceless murderer of student nurses.  

The crawlspaces in pretty much all of Pierce’s homes smell like death, probably due to all the decaying corpses

If you judge Pierce’s life solely by his fame, wealth, and seemingly healthy and seemingly functional romantic and personal life, it’s easy to see Pierce as just another charming, successful and talented celebrity enjoying his richly merited success. If you break into Pierce’s various summer homes looking for evidence of crimes dating back decades, however, you come away with a very different impression. 

When the Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place investigative journalism squad broke into Pierce’s various houses and headed straight to the crawlspace, however, it made a horrifying discovery. The smell of death in these places is overwhelming and while it’s possible the foul-smelling corpses undoubtedly buried there are animal in nature, the brutal murders of student nurses over a period of decades in vastly different parts of our nation, suggests otherwise. 

Are we saying the crawlspaces of Pierce’s homes are filled with the disintegrating remains of his victims? Yes, we are. 

We’re pretty sure beloved character actor David Hyde Pierce is a serial killer  

That’s why we’re bringing the evidence directly to you, the public, instead of the police. Because of our affection for Pierce as an actor, we feel he should be tried by the public instead of a jury. And because pretty much all the evidence we’ve assembled was illegally acquired and we’re also willing to consider some manner of payoff for burying all we’ve discovered (no pun intended). So if you’re David Hyde Pierce and would like to continue to not be known as a serial killer, contact us through this website and maybe we can work something out in terms of you paying us a handsome bribe to keep these information from law enforcement. 

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