The Original Draft of Logan Paul's "Apology"

 First mistake: thinking that hat was appropriate for a trip to something called Suicide Forest. 

First mistake: thinking that hat was appropriate for a trip to something called Suicide Forest. 

Dear Internet, 

So apparently a bunch of people shit themselves over a Youtube video I did just because it featured me clowning around with this one Japanese dude who just hung himself and consequently was dead as fuck, and on the real, starting to stink a little. People felt that it was wrong for me to recreate the classic “Pissing Calvin” bumper sticker by mischievously urinating on the corpse even though, objectively, doing so was funny as fuck.

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People’s panties similarly seem to be all up in a bunch about me putting my arm around the corpse and manipulating it to make it look like he was still alive, all while cackling and yelling so loud  I was told I both woke and angered ancient spirits, “I’m about to Weekend at Bernie’s this dead motherfucker, yo!” 

Look, here’s the thing: I put out nine and a half hours of original video on Youtube daily. You think I have time to think about anything, let alone respecting the dignity of the dead? Fuck no. I’m a creature of pure instinct with a lust for clicks, I mean, spreading a positive message to the fans, and that’s what my video was all about: the part where I stopped horsing around and giggling and turned to the camera and was all, “Don’t commit suicide! Suicide is for pussies, yo, and you gotta stay alive to keep giving me them clicks!”

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Besides, a lot of the criticisms I’m getting now don’t even make sense. How could I possibly “Weekend at Bernie’s this dead motherfucker!” if I’ve only seen part of the second one on cable when I was baked out of my gourd and it wasn’t even that good? Didn’t you Einsteins ever even think of that? 

I was also told that adding crude animation making it look like I got an enormous cartoon boner thinking about all the money I’d be making from this dope-ass—I mean, extremely tragic—video and the sound of cash registers ringing in post-production was in poor taste.

But what the haters and the critics don’t realize is that I was using comedy to try to distract my fans from their shitty lives as dumb losers. I mean, can you even imagine how idiotic you’d have to be to look up to a sentient bottle of Axe Body Spray like me? I'm the worst kind of human garbage and there's a whole army of mouth-breathers who worship me and follow my every move. That should worry you. It worries me, and I'm a complete moron. 

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It’s everyday, bro! It’s everyday, bro! 

Comedy generally involves making fun of people. Sometimes that’s a dude who just hung himself. Censorship is un-American. Abortion stops a beating heart. I can’t drive 55. 

Lastly, I’ve been criticized for undercutting the gravity of my anti-suicide message by immediately following up my plea for the depressed and suicidal to seek help by winking, farting loudly and then making the universal jerk-off motion. This may be what angers me most. Those humorous gestures and noises were completely separate from my totally sincere, important message. For journalists to link these things solely because they happened seconds apart is straight-up bogus, and seriously on some fag shit. 

Okay, I’ve just been been told that “fag” is a slur so now I gotta apologize for that shit too. Damn, bro, I ain’t shot nothing in twenty-five minutes and I’m getting itchy. I hope that lame-ass dead guy’s ghost doesn’t continue to haunt the shit out of me.

It’s so messed up that the media always only focusses on my words and actions and not on stuff that might make me look good.

 Funny, he doesn't LOOK like a huge douchebag. 

Funny, he doesn't LOOK like a huge douchebag. 

This is a very serious issue for me., because I’m already losing endorsements over it and that is wack.  Apparently Doritos’ doesn’t want to be associated with a glib sociopath who desecrates corpses, but that’s kind of my brand. You know, minus the desecrating corpses. And that wasn't even fun! Well, it was a little fun, TBH. 

"Sincerely,"

Logan Paul

Support Nathan Rabin's Happy Place, because Criminy, he'll never make a fraction of what those Youtube fucks make every day because is unfair over at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace