Ditties for Kiddies—A Look Back at My Secret Past As a Hyper-Timely Writer of Pop Songs for Lou Pearlman


As some of y’all may remember, I recently covered the small but juicy canon of literature about disgraced boy band Svengali/fake blimp magnate Lou Pearlman for two recents entries in the Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place Literature Society, on the page-turning expose The Hit Charade and his memoir/business guide/epic brag Brands, Bands & Billions: My Top Ten Rules for Making Any Business Go Platinum

I’ve long been fascinated by the corpulent boy band kingpin/career criminals. He embodies so many things I find fascinating about pop culture and life: flimflammery, criminality, hucksterism and larger-than-life characters blessed and cursed with a complete lack of self-consciousness and self-awareness about who they really are and how the world sees them. 

I was so fascinated by Pearlman that I bought a bunch of his personal effects in an Ebay auction, including a 20th Century Republican Leader plaque, his bachelor’s in accounting and a Doctorate that could very well be a forgery. 

But my history with Pearlman actually goes deeper. In the late 1990s, he sought me out to ask if I had ever thought about segueing from writing about pop culture to writing pop songs. I was intrigued, and we met at his estate, where he spent some time fondling my abs as a way of “aligning my aura” and then we discussed some songs he wanted me to write .

Fresh off the success of LFO’s “Summer Girls”, Pearlman insisted that the key to writing a hit pop song was timelines and pop culture references, so he had me go to work on a song that would address a lot of current phenomenon in addition to being a catchy love song. 

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I recently came across a hand-written copy of what we came up with. I’m proud of it, but I fear that for a number of reasons this might not work as a contemporary pop song, particularly regarding the chorus. Let me know what you think in the comments. 


“I’m in Love With You  (And Clinton’s President)”

Girl, I’ve got a love for you, like the Republicans got a Contract with America 

Like the reunion of the original Kiss lineup in makeup, you got me feeling hysteria 

Life is like a box of chocolates, it’s Amistad and I’m your slave, 


Let’s not be like Austin Powers, girl let’s misbehave!  

Cause I’m in love with you (And Clinton’s President) 

Girl, I’m in love with you, and Al Gore’s VP 

Madly in love with you, ain’t nothing hesitant 

Said I’m in love with you, like a new ER, it’s something to see 

That’s why I’m sticking to you closely, like you were my Tamagotchi Pet

Got me feeling crazier than a Desert Storm vet

Playing games, using my heart it was a Pog 

Gonna go to Myspace and write about you in my blog! 

Chous X2

Like the XFL, there’s no way that we can fail 

Let’s go to a movie and make out to A Knight’s Tale

I’m your slick Willie, you’re my Monica Lewinsky 


Girl we just go together like Adam Carolla and Drew Pinsky! 

That song, needless to say, did not end up getting professionally released. Undiscouraged, Big Lou encouraged me to write about something he was sure the kids would go nuts for: Y2K. So I wrote “Need You Girl (We’re All Going to Die in Y2K)” which similarly went nowhere for reasons that should soon become apparent: 

“Need You Girl (We’re All Going to Die in Y2K)”

Before the world ends in a technological apocalypse 

I gotta get down with you, gotta kiss those soft lips 

Kiss me, girl, before this here computer explodes 

Love me tonight, because we’re not long for this world! 


Is Ricky Martin straight? Is Ricky Martin gay? 

Who even F-ing cares when we’re all gonna die in YK!?! 

Is Ricky Martin straight? Is Ricky Martin gay? 

Who even F-ing cares when we’re all gonna die in YK!?!

I got a lot of fear when it comes to computer glitches 

But girl my love for you means more than riches

When the clock hits midnight December 31st the world is going to end 

So I’m gonna be real with you: I wanna be more than just friends! 

I had high hopes for “Need You Girl (We’re All Going to Die in Y2K).” Pearlman told me that of the hundreds of pop songs he commissioned about Y2K, this was arguably in the top half, quality-wise. But Y2K was a bust, as was my professional relationship with the *NSYNC creator. 

Still, we gave our partnership one more try, with another pop love song rooted in current events, in this case the the unpleasantness involving O.J Simpson. I was happy with how this turned out, but it turns out tweens didn’t particularly care about O.J. Here are the lyrics for that bad boy about a bad boy: 


The Chase (Like O.J) 

Got me chasing you around like the cops chasing O.J in a white Ford Bronco 

Girl with our love there’s no limit, like Master P, I’m your head honcho

The first time I saw you I felt like I was hit with a bloody glove 

If the love fits, you must submit, to all of the above 

I need a girl who’s down to ride like Al Cowling 

Seeing us together has got the jealous chicken heads scowling 


Cause girl, I’m going to kill it at this love thing, like O.J (allegedly) murdered his ex-wife 

Girl, I’m gonna love you so good you’re going to want to be with me for life

Our love is real, between you and me I feel a spark 

Behind the scenes, between the sheets, hate-fucking like Johnny Cochran and Marcia Clark 

Gotta double murder charge on the way I’m killing this beat 

Like Denise Brown and a coked-up Faye Resnick we can hook up but let’s be discreet. 

I’m innocent of murder but I’m guilty of wanting to sex you the right way 

I’ll be your sexual Heisman Trophy winner just like O.J


As with so many aspects of my life and my career, things just didn’t work out, and I ended up failing miserably. But I can’t look at these long-ago lyrics I composed when I still dreamed of being a songwriter without wondering wistfully about what might have been, both for me and for pop music. 

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