Tony Shalhoub Loudly Critiqued Avengers: Infinity War And I, a Real Moviegoer to Whom This Real Thing Totally Happened, Have all the Deets! (That’s Young Person Talk for ‘Details’)


Um I’m in a movie theater alone and Tony Shalhoub just walked in and sat down in front of me. 

I didn’t know if it was Shalhoub but he stood in front of the screen before the trailers started, and, as if introducing the movie, said, “It’sa me, Tony Shalhoub, star of stage, screen and television! You have the incredible honor of seeing a movie about the flying superheroes with a real life celebrity. And as a special bonus, I’ma gonna talk through the whole movie to let you know what I think! Feel free to disseminate my actions and words wherever you see fit. Privacy means nothing to me, only your entertainment! This experience for you will be all gain, no pain, unlike my blockbuster hit movie Pain & Gain.” 

Shalhoub made disconcertingly intense eye contact with me and said, “Boy, it’s a BIG NIGHT when you get to see a movie with a big movie star like me, Tony Shalhoub” and I laughed politely but it was hella awkward. 

Despite what the man in the theater with me says, I’m not sure it’s Shalhoub. He’s about 300 pounds, he’s wearing sweatpants, he has what appears to be a fake walrus mustache and a Jersey Shore sweatshirt and he’s talking in a comically thick Italian accent. Also, he smells REAL bad. Like, I can smell him from across the theater. He might just be a mentally ill man pretending to be Tony Shalhoub but for the sake of this totally real, 100 percent authentic and sure to go viral article it’s definitely Tony Shalhoub. 

TBH, the dude in the theater looked almost nothing like this

TBH, the dude in the theater looked almost nothing like this

I can’t wait to see what crazy shit comes out of Shalhoub’s mouth! Is it too late to buy the domain for

This is actually much closer to both what he looked like, and what he sounded like.

This is actually much closer to both what he looked like, and what he sounded like.

At the end of the trailers, Shalhoub yells, “So many sneak previews, and none for the movies of me, the great Tony Shalhoub! Couldn’t they have thrown in a teaser for 1408 or The Great New Wonderful in with all those upcoming stinkers? When Tony Shalhoub goes to the movies, he likes to see Tony Shalhoub on the movie screen, even if he’s not seeing a Tony Shalhoub movie.”

He’s eating a whole roast pig! By himself! With his hands! And drinking cheap red wine straight from the bottle like he’s in a Renaissance painting depicting a debauched feast! It’s absolutely disgusting! Who does that, other than the veteran character actor who voiced Master Splinter in both Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

During Falcon’s introduction Shalhoub very loudly says, “I don’t have wings but I certainly was on Wings. The TV show!”  


Shalhoub is now riding a unicycle around the theater. Jesus. The rich, they really are different from you and me. 

The action has moved to Wakanda and Shalhoub has started juggling and whistling. It’s really annoying. I think I’ve finally had enough and think about shushing him but he shoots me a look that implicitly say, “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything, from talking throughout a movie to juggling and riding a unicycle inside a theater.” 

At the movie’s famously dark conclusion, Shalhoub openly weeps and cries out, “Oh no! Tony Shalhoub, the real Tony Shalhoub, hasn’t been this sad since Monk was cancelled! Only eight seasons! A mere one hundred and twenty five episodes That wasn’t enough! We had so many more stories to tell. Mama Mia! Thassa spicy meatball!” Does that guy think of anything but himself and his stupid career? 


The end!!! honestly knowing Monk superstar Tony Shalhoub is a loud movie talker is validating every time someone has shushed me at a movie, though I’m starting to think there may be something wrong with him. 

Y’all know the deal: I make most of my income from Patreon so if you would consider pledging over at that would be awesome!