These Are the 5 Steps Democrats Must Take to Win

These are dark and uncertain times. Recently, a series of horrifying events have traumatized the good people of our great land and awakened our slumbering collective conscience. These traumatic events are burned indelibly into the public consciousness like the Challenger explosion, the tragic events of 9/11 and The Kennedy assassination. 

First, Michelle Wolf scandalized a weary nation by possibly ambiguously commenting on Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ appearance during her White House Press Correspondence Dinner. Then Samantha Bee compounded the almost unimaginable damage to the leftist and anti-Trump cause Wolf’s jokes inflicted by referring to Ivanka Trump by a rude word on a comedy show. 


Just when it seemed like leftists could not grow any more depraved in their contempt for the delicate constitutions of the American people, Robert De Niro called the President a different bad name twice during the Tony awards. My monocle just shattered in shock and horror just thinking about the rude word he used, which is "fuck."

The populace was rightly horrified and ashamed. This isn’t who we are as a people. These are not the values that make us great. 

The election of Donald Trump as President indelibly proved that the American public has a ferocious hunger for propriety and taking the high road and will recoil in horror and strike back with great fury at anything that they see as vulgar or unkind or in poor taste. 

Us leftists are at a crucial cultural and moral crossroad. We have ceded the moral high ground to Trump and the Republican party completely by sometimes swearing in frustration just because the country seems to be goose-stepping deliriously into Fascism and becoming scarier and less American by the day. 


Yes, unless the left humbles itself and learns to reach across the aisle to the people who hate us and everything we stand for, Democrats may never hold political office again.  

That’s why it’s absolutely essential for Democrats to take the following five steps: 

5. Let Trump supporters know you have more in common with them than they might think by forcing yourself to like and know about Conservative musicians and comedians

Let’s face it: the typical flag-waving, God-fearing American knows damn well that snooty “Progressives” look down their noses at iconoclastic Conservative entertainers like Dennis Miller, Jeff Dunham, Kid Rock, Tim Allen and Ted Nugent. They know limousine liberals like Cher and Barbra Streisand think they’re better than these exemplars of true Americanness. That alone is enough to make them vote Republican for the rest of their lives. 


That’s why it’s essential that we extensively praise these funnymen and rock stars to let Red State types know that we love good, moderately-to-extremely racist lowbrow comedy and music as much as any Trump super-fan. 

Don’t be insincere in your praise of right-wing icons, however, or the sharp, savvy, discerning souls who voted for a demented sex criminal of a reality show host for President will immediately see through you. 

Don't just say, or post, “Man, Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman himself, just keeps getting better! He’s always kicked ass on the six string, but now he’s crushing it in the field of political punditry as well!” You should also be able to rattle off your ten favorite Ted Nugent songs spontaneously as well. 

Instead of behaving like a typical butthurt libtard complaining about the so-called “racism” of Jeff Dunham’s act, why not flip the script and complain that his act isn’t racist enough? After all, if he put his mind to it, surely Dunham could come up with a dummy more offensive than Achmed the Dead Terrorist. 


4. Disparage Heroes of the Left

After the unforgivable transgressions committed by Wolf, Bee and De Niro, the left should have taken to the streets to howl for the blood and destruction of each of these monsters. In order to undo even a tiny fraction of the damage inflicted by the aforementioned potty mouths, we should have held huge bonfires of Raging Bull DVDs and old videocassettes of The Daily Show to let the world know that we were just as disgusted and repulsed by the use of swear words as our opponents, if not more so. 

We should have called for Robert De Niro’s Oscars to be taken away and for Bee to be deported to Canada for making terrorist threats. I’m not sure exactly how her words could possibly be construed as a terrorist threat but greatly overstating the harm and damage Bee, Wolf and De Niro caused can only endear us to the staunch Conservatives and Trump supporters we should be thinking about above all others in our words, thoughts and actions, due to their famous love for bipartisanship, cooperation, reason, logic and conciliatory gestures that bring us together rather than push us further apart. T

We must uniformly and staunchly condemn the wrongness of comedians making jokes about the President or an awful woman whose job is to lie on behalf of the President, gaslight a nation and undermine the freedom and legitimacy of the press. 


We must go on to attack and undermine other leftist icons as well. Mindlessly praising the heroes of the Left will only alienate Conservatives you want to bring to the cause. So why not switch things up and defy expectations by saying things like, “I bet Rachel Maddow is only pretending to be gay for attention.”

You don’t have to believe any of those things, but once we show Conservatives just how self-effacing, meek and passive we are willing to be to try to win them over, they’ll have no choice but to treat us with respect. And, of course, be won over by our strength, which is, and always has been, our weakness. 


3. Embrace conspiracy theories

Let’s face it: a lot of latte-sipping limousine liberals are too snobby and “sane” to publicly throw their support behind widely discredited, often racist and xenophobic conspiracy theories. You know who wasn’t too good or too “educated” to shamelessly peddle conspiracy theories? A guy named Donald Trump, and he shocked the world by getting elected President. 

The only way to prevent Republicans from enjoying permanent rule in the United States is to embrace conspiracy theories with a fervor that puts the average Infowars fanatic to shame. Why not test the water with a Facebook post about how something seems off about that David Hogg guy and you’re starting to come around to the idea that Parkland was a false flag operation? 

You might lose some Bernie-loving Facebook friends in the process, but you’ll make new friends in the world of right-wing conspiracy mongering, particularly if you follow up with posts about Pizzagate being real and Seth Rich being assassinated by the Democratic party. Nothing screams “I’m not one of those stuffy SJW butthurt snowflake libtards you’re so sick of!” quite like starting an obsessive website about the crimes of the Clinton family at

In order to win, we must believe the crazy lies of our enemies even more than they do.

Whoops! Sorry. Wrong picture! 

Whoops! Sorry. Wrong picture! 

2. Instead of alienating Trump supporters with shrill, off-putting vitriol, find common ground by praising Trump extensively. 

If you’ve been on Facebook any time in the last three years, you’ve probably seen many, many posts about how the nastiness, hyperbole and ferocious anti-Trump bias of the media and Trump haters has pushed undecided voters squarely into Trump’s camp.

For that reason, it’s important to undercut anti-Trump rhetoric with praise for Trump, his policies, and his status as a legendary cocksman. 

The next time you’re having a political conversation with a Trump supporter, why not say something along the lines of “Trump is a great businessman and leader who I agree with about most things?” You’ll impress the Trump supporter with your flexibility and willingness to look beyond partisan alliances. You can go even further and say something along the lines of “I bet Trump’s got a huge dick and that’s why he’s so confident and in control.” 

This serves multiple purposes. It lets the Trump supporter know you’ve got an open mind and are easily impressed but it also suggests that you’re not one of those uptight, “politically correct” SJWs who are too good and too "woke" to attribute someone’s cockiness to the size of their genitals.  

Oh shit, that's not supposed to be there either. My bad! 

Oh shit, that's not supposed to be there either. My bad! 

1. Vote the straight Republican ticket

A lot of Democrats are too brittle and politically inflexible to even consider voting for a candidate of another party. That’s one of the reasons Trump supporters are so pissed off at his critics. They know that Trump haters take their contempt for him into the voting booth and overwhelmingly vote against him and his minions.  

It's consequently not enough to embrace the bigoted, hateful ideas of the opposing party and convey through our actions and words that our supposed faith in our core values is actually weak and wavering in public. No, we must do so in private as well, in the safety of our own minds and in voting booths where we must vote Republican if we are ever to have a chance at regaining the White House. We must be willing to let Republicans win everything for decades, even centuries. Then, god willing, they’ll do a bad enough job and screw things up to that extent that decades, centuries or even millennia from now, voters might be at least open to the idea of Democratic leadership. 

That, friends, is what we call the long game in politics. Fortunately or unfortunately, it’s the only possible chance Democrats have of winning office ever again.  

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