Re-Introducing Duncan Hunter, Party Politician
If you are familiar with Republican Californian Representative Duncan Hunter it’s probably due to the headlines he made after getting indicted for spending over 250,000 dollars in campaign funds for personal expenses for him and his family. That or his famous advocacy of vaping.
I will be the first to concede that, upon first glance, this does not reflect well upon the politician, particularly considering that he’s a blowhard who likes to talk tough about the need for fiscal discipline in government.
Hunter has derided the charges as pure fiction, the malevolent work of a Deep State apparatus out to destroy an innocent man with facts and proof and receipts and incontrovertible evidence of his astonishing and flagrant criminal and ethical transgressions. In other words, he’s emulating Donald Trump. That’s understandable. After all, Trump has done lots of heinous shit and gotten away with it.
I think Hunter should follow Trump’s lead and really own being a repellent, self-centered piece of shit. Trump’s whole vibe says, “Yeah, I’m a disgusting, narcissistic monster, and you fucking love it, baby! You can’t get enough! You wouldn’t have me any other way! Four more years! Four more years! Winning!”
In that spirit, Hunter should double down on being the “Party Politician”, the “Rockin’ Representative”, the “Outrageous Republican.” He should use the lengthy and detailed indictments against him as proof that he’s living the party life 24/7 and instead of hating on him for squandering their money illegally for his own selfish benefit the public should be living vicariously through him or, alternately, partying with him, in case he still has any of the money he stole from taxpayers, I mean re-directed in a more totally awesome, righteously radical, celebratory fashion.
I’ve gone through the indictment with an eye towards how Hunter can spin these charges in his favor now that he’s, if anything, basically, playing up essentially being the James Franco in Spring Breakers of American politics.
Here are some of my suggestions. HUNT, my man, if you want to use these and pay me handsomely for my counsel, feel free to do so. Like you, I’m not exactly precious about staying within the boundaries of a legal system that is straight up full of haters.
One part of the indictment reads, “On or about March 20, 2015, when DUNCAN HUNTER had told (wife) MARGARET HUNTER that he was planning “to buy my Hawaii shorts” but had run out of money, she counseled him to buy the shorts at a golf pro shop so that they could falsely describe the purchase later as “some [gold] balls for the wounded warriors.”
Now I will admit that this doesn’t look great until you remember how much fun Hawaii shorts are. They’re like the Jimmy Buffet of clothing, and everybody wants to party with that guy, just as they should all be wanting to party with my man DUNKIN (that’s the new party nickname for him cause he be dunking on his haters and swinging from the rafters, legendary MVP Baller Status style).
Besides, who can afford something like Hawaii shorts on a representative’s 174,000 dollar a year salary? It simply can’t be done and because the Hawaii shorts industry has priced their wares beyond the reach of a humble member of the One Percent like Hunter of course the radical Republican with the buck-wild hard-partying style had to resort to illegal means to get his hands on these sought-after luxury items.
Also, Hunter is ex-military, so if anyone has a good excuse to buy themselves wacky garments under the pretense of helping fellow ex-soldiers whose bodies and minds have been shattered by the unimaginable torment of battle, it’s my man the HUNT.
On a similar note, the indictment claims, “On or about November 19 to 29, 2015, the HUNTERS spent $14,261.33 (including airfare) in Campaign funds to pay for a family vacation to Italy.
On or about November 23, 2015, in an attempt to justify the use of Campaign funds to pay for the family’s trip to Italy, DUNCAN HUNTER attempted to set up a day tour of a U.S. naval facility in Italy. After Navy officials responded that they could only provide a tour on a particular date, DUNCAN HUNTER said he would discuss the proposed date with MARGARET HUNTER, then subsequently told his Chief of Staff, “tell the navy to go f*** themselves [no alteration in original],” and no tour occurred.”
NOT COOL, Navy. You couldn’t have helped a bro out in a time of need? Jesus, why you gotta be so selfish?
The indictment also alleges that “On or about July 9, 2014, the HUNTERS spent $250 in Campaign funds at United Airlines to fly a family pet to Washington, D.C. for a family vacation.”
Again, that might look bad at first glance until you realize that the “family pet” in question is legendary “Party Animal” and alcohol pitch-animal Spuds Mackenzie. That’s how hard Hunter parties: Spuds Mackenzie is his fucking pet. Now I know that it might seem like an eighties icon like Spuds Mackenzie would definitely be dead by now but Hunter’s party mojo is so insane that he traveled back in time so he could make Spuds Mackenzie his family pet and coke buddy. Suddenly, that 250 dollars doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it? That is quite literally a small price to pay for the resurrection of a goddamn AMERICAN ICON like Spuds. It makes sense that he and the original HUMAN party animal DUNKIN P-TANG HUNTER would end up buds.
Now, some people are saying the pet in question was a rabbit. If so, it would have been either Bugs Bunny or Harvey, so, if anything, that’s even more baller and badass for the outrageous party politician.
This epic exercise in hateration is full of tattle-tale accusations like, “On or about June 17, 2013, in El Cajon, California, DUNCAN HUNTER spent $163.53 in Campaign funds at Best Buy to purchase a pair of sports headphones for his personal use. At this time, the HUNTER family bank account had a negative balance and incurred three insufficient funds fees (totaling $102).”
Uh, you know who Dunkin was listening to on those headphones? How about some David Lee Roth-era Van Halen? If loving that shit to the extent that you embezzle money from the government is a crime, then I must be a criminal. And Hunter too: he’s guilty of being a rock and roll party animal. That’s all he’s guilty of, except of course for the many other, less symbolic crimes he’s also guilty of.
Just when you think Hunter couldn’t get more awesome you learn fun facts like the following:
“47) On or about October 22 to 24, 2011, in Los Angeles, California and elsewhere, the HUNTERS spent $432.81 in Campaign funds for a family vacation centered on a family member’s participation in a dance competition.
48) On or about October 24, 2011, in San Diego, California, DUNCAN HUNTER spent $344.56 in Campaign funds at Enterprise Rent-A-Car to rent a vehicle so that he could drive from Los Angeles International Airport (“LAX”) for a family member’s dance competition in Orange County.”
Clearly Duncan Hunter was recreating the all-time American movie classic Little Miss Sunshine. Can you even imagine what kind of kick-ass other movies Hunter would be able to live out if he had the funds and the freedom? The Blues Brothers? Ghostbusters maybe? How about Animal House?
But Hunter will tragically never get a chance to do any of those things if he’s locked up in jail, a total political prisoner, a true martyr of the party lifestyle. Jesus, he may not even be able to vape in prison. That would truly be the unkindest cut of all.
That’s why we need Trump to pardon Hunter and anoint him our very first Secretary of Partying. That’s the only way that Hunter can realize his true destiny to bring partying and politics together like no one since the heyday of Ted Kennedy.
That is what must be done for this most hard-partying and awesome of unsung heroes.
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