We Regret to Inform You That All Celebrities Have Been Cancelled, Along With Everyone Else on Earth
You hear a lot about people being “cancelled” these days due to abhorrent behavior that runs the gamut from merely annoying to positively Satanic. It sure does feel like a new celebrity is cancelled every day. Even more #problematic celebrities hover perpetually on the brink of widespread cancellation like a poorly rated but cultishly adored television show.
Chris Pratt, for example, won our hearts and minds with his goofy man-boy charm in Parks & Recreation before very lucratively changing gears and becoming the affable babyface behind the multi-billion dollar Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic World franchises.
But lately there has been much chatter about how Pratt’s fierce Christian beliefs and love of guns might lead Progressive fans to cancel the superstar. It pains me to reveal that not only is Pratt even more of a gun-worshipping religious zealot than you feared, but he’s actually spent most of his vast fortune getting a statue of Jerry Sandusky made out of diamonds. If you’re guessing that that’s the kind of unfortunate eccentricity that ruined his marriage to the beloved Anna Faris I have bad news for you: it was her idea. Pratt vows that once it’s completed he’ll have an even more expensive one made of his other personal hero: Jeb Bush.
Why would these formerly beloved actors create such expensive and pointless monuments to reviled monsters? I have no idea but these two are definitely cancelled.
They’re not alone, I’m afraid. In fact, I’ve been studying the matter and determined that every single man, woman, animal and child on earth is also canceled for similarly valid reasons.
For legal reasons, I am not at liberty to disclose the exact reason why both Mr. Rogers and Tom Hanks both need to be cancelled immediately but let’s just say that if the public were ever to learn what kind of demented shit those weirdoes are into, they would lose what’s left of their faith in humanity.
Everybody loves Angela Lansbury. They would feel differently if they knew that she was a cannibal. Then they would cancel her, along with fellow lovers of eating human flesh Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews.
Terry Crews seems like a great guy. He’s funny, smart, politically engaged and embodies a glorious non-toxic brand of sensitive, caring, evolved masculinity. So it brings me no pleasure to report that most of his money goes to funding exploratory committees to gauge interest in future presidential runs by Eric and Tiffany Trump. Why does the beloved Brooklyn 99 star think these lesser lights of the Trump galaxy will make for top-notch Presidents? I have no idea but he’s cancelled.
So is John Green, obviously, who is known for his Youtube videos and best-selling books and not, luckily for his reputation, as the most vicious drug and slum lord Indiana has ever known. Dabbles quite a bit in human trafficking as well, so John Green is definitely cancelled, along with anyone who has ever collaborated with him, or known him, myself included.
This universal cancellation even extends to children and babies. You might think that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s children are blameless, and certainly could not have done anything to merit being cancelled. I wish that were the case. If anything, the West children have political views that make their father’s seem positively coherent and ideal by comparison. If they ever succeed in their plans to start an Alt-Right version of Kriss Kross and release a concept album about how the Central Park 5 are guilty and should get the death penalty, everyone will see for themselves why they deserve to be cancelled along with their dad.
Not even the animal kingdom is immune from this worldwide cancellation. Celebrity cat Li’l Bub charmed her way into our hearts with her offbeat cuteness and unique appearance. Well, I regret to inform all you Li’l Bub fans out there that a better, more accurate name for the beloved celebrity feline would be Li’l Holocaust Denier, since the cat has many cancellation-worthy thoughts and opinions in common with notorious Holocaust revisionist David Irving.
It is, sadly, too late for any man, woman, child, baby or animal currently living to avoid being cancelled.
There is hope for future generations, however. All our children and children’s children will need to do to avoid being cancelled is simply avoid doing anything that might cause people to think negatively about them at any point in their lives. If they succeed in never causing the kind of serious offense that leads to cancellation then they’ll win the ultimate prize: dying without being cancelled. They aren’t entirely out of the woods on that front, I’m afraid, because even if someone in the future avoids cancellation throughout their lifetime they’re still subject to being cancelled posthumously. So if you really want to maintain a good reputation, all you need to do is avoid doing anything that might cause people to think negatively about you at any point in your life and in death as well.
How hard can that be?
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