It’s Even Worse Than You Fear: Why Brie Larson and Captain Marvel Are Intent on Destroying Men, Bringing Down the Patriarchy and Compromising the Integrity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

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I initially imagined that the rage and vitriol directed toward Brie Larson and Captain Marvel over comments the actress has made through the years about representation and sexism was a simple matter of emotionally stunted, entitled man-babies collectively shitting their diapers over something in pop culture not being specifically laser-targeted directly at them. 

I foolishly assumed it was like The Last Jedi or Ghostbusters, where exemplars of fragile masculinity threw a giant hissy fit over the world changing in ways they find terrifying.

I am not too proud, brother, to concede that I was wrong. Dead wrong. If you’ve seen Captain Marvel, I don’t have to inform you that, apparently at the direction of Larson herself, Captain Marvel’s new catchphrase is “The only cure for being male is castration.” 

Larson says that line five or six time in Captain Marvel and each time it absolutely kills the film’s momentum. It doesn’t help that every time she delivers the line she looks directly at the camera and gives a big thumbs up. 

It goes beyond that. I’ve been researching the matter, and apparently Larson only agreed to appear in Captain Marvel if Valerie Solanas, the radical feminist who wrote the SCUM Manifesto and shot Andy Warhol, became a member of The Avengers as well as the subject of a 200 million dollar 3-D biopic—written, directed and starring Larson, of course—depicting Solanas as the hero we’ve all been crying out for and not a delusional attempted murderer. 

It doesn’t seem to matter to this crazed man-hater that Solanas died in 1988 and was, by all accounts, a frequently homeless mentally ill woman and not a superhero; Larson wants a super-powered Solanas to not only be one of the Avengers, but to lead the entire team, a team that’s now exclusively female, queer and Socialist.  

James Woods is protesting  Captain Marvel  for hating men. When has he ever been wrong?

James Woods is protesting Captain Marvel for hating men. When has he ever been wrong?

It is not true that Larson forbids white heterosexual men from interviewing her at junkets. It is true, however, that she makes them first apologize for their gender and race and then hit themselves repeatedly in the penis with a heavy, steel, outsized bludgeoning device she calls “Thor’s Hammer” as what she has described as “woefully inadequate penance”for being white dudes.  She also has white male journalists who wish to interview first confess to an extensive series of “thought crimes,” up to, and including, masturbating to the image or memory of an attractive women without receiving their written consent first.

Larson  has been criticized for bemoaning the overwhelmingly white and male nature of film critics and the film media. She famously said "I don’t need a 40-year-old white dude to tell me what didn’t work about A Wrinkle in Time. It wasn’t made for him! I want to know what it meant to women of color, biracial women, to teen women of color.”

Like a true fake mycology geek girl, Larson is clearly only pretending to care about science so that she can meet a FUN guy.

Like a true fake mycology geek girl, Larson is clearly only pretending to care about science so that she can meet a FUN guy.

The implication that we might benefit from more diversity and fewer white straight takes on film would be bad enough. Heck, it would be obscene and unforgivable. What Larson actually said about Captain Marvel is much worse. In a little-circulated interview, she grabbed and twisted a poor male interviewer’s genitalia while insisting that only trans, Muslim womyn of color from third world countries should be allowed to see or talk about Captain Marvel publicly. 

Larson has conceded that this means that, by her own, unstinting rules, she herself should not be allowed to see her own movie, but apparently that’s the price she’s willing to pay to be “Woke.” 

Larson’s exact words were “I would rather starve to death, be homeless, or contract the Bubonic Plague than have even a single white straight man enjoy my work. This is something totally real that I am actually saying and not a ridiculous paranoid, made-up quote from someone who has convinced themselves I have a nefarious agenda.” 

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Larson apparently ad-libbed extensively on the set of Captain Marvel. The scene where she tells Nick Fury that all heterosexual sex is rape before pulling out Andrea Dworkin’s 1974 manifesto Woman Hating: A Radical Look at Sexuality and reading an entire chapter was unsurprisingly this crazed ideologue’s idea. 

You’d think Larson’s directors would curb such self-indulgence, but Larson had it written into her contract that men are not allowed to give her feedback, talk to her or make eye contact, lest they be punished with chemical castration and a punishing round or two with the aforementioned “Thor’s Hammer.” 

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Before my research, I fooled myself into thinking that the uproar over Captain Marvel was a mere matter of fanboy culture losing its shit over a women they’re sexually attracted to behaving like an assertive feminist instead of a docile fantasy creature they can project their sweaty masturbatory fantasies upon. Nope. This is as real as QAnon or Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. It’s DEFINITELY not a paranoid, sexist right-wing fantasy.

It has fallen upon us, the poor, powerless, white heterosexual male superhero fans of the world to stop this sexy evil woman before she destroys western civilization, men as a gender and kickstarts a dystopian, nightmare future where women sometimes star in superhero movies instead of men. Captain Marvel is one of the most powerful figures in the Marvel universe, cinematic and otherwise. Sadly, and alarmingly,  the actress playing her has even more power. 

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Larson is nothing short of a real-life super-villain. We must throw tantrums longer and louder and more obnoxious than ever over Larson’s words and actions because otherwise the forces of progress and cultural evolution will win out and we can’t have that happen, now can we?

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