My World of Flops Get a Load of This Maroon Case File #121/My Year of Flops # 18 Jacob Wohl
We here at My World of Flops are perpetually on the lookout to expand the column beyond the usual movies, TV shows, albums, political campaigns and presidencies. We started out exclusively covering movies but at this point I can write about literally anything for this column as long as it is a flop of some magnitude.
That certainly describes the very first person I’ve written up for this column, dead-eyed, caveman-browed “provocateur” and coffee shop lurker Jacob Wohl, who recently lurched back into the public eye with a “Kick Me” sign attached to his back so big it can be seen and heeded halfway around the world when he unsuccessfully attempted to smear adorably All-American “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg as a sex criminal who tried to sexually assault a drunk young man.
This latest act of staggering incompetence and supreme idiocy served as a a sequel of sorts to Wohl’s previous personal and professional nadir, his equally unsuccessful attempts to derail the Mueller investigation and ruin the good name of the oversized Boy Scout at its helm by exposing him as a rapist who sexually assaulted a woman in a New York hotel room in 2010.
Wohl’s playbook is very small and very shitty. He’s like more successful but equally morally abhorrent right-wing undercover operative James O’Keefe’s non-union Mexican equivalent, a dunce whose one move involves incompetently attempting to frame figures of seemingly unimpeachable moral integrity, like Robert Mueller or good old Mayor Pete, as deviant sex criminals like Wohl’s God Donald Trump by unsuccessfully trying to get people to come forward with bogus sexual assault allegations.
Wohl is only twenty-one years old, but he possesses the all-encompassing stupidity and amorality of a much older man. He’s essentially an evil child who attempts to manipulate and deceive adults despite being nowhere near as smart or as experienced as they are.
Wohl is a fucking creep so he thinks that everyone else is a creep too. He’s a liar and a fraud so he assumes that the people that he interacts with have a similarly slippery, eel-infested moral code, or rather lack of a moral code, and also lack of morals.
If the oozing, dread-filled, Lovecraftian horror and monstrousness of our current uncertain political and cultural moment was somehow to attain sentience and assume human form, It would look an awful lot like Wohl.
Wohl is the hate that hate made. That Wohl and his simian smirk embody our times says something terrible about him and about us as well.
Wohl seems like the kind of idiotelogue who would masturbate feverishly reading G. Gordon Liddy’s Will, imagining the magical day when he too would be eating rats and doing illegal shit on a deplorable, criminal President’s behalf.
You just know that Wohl has seriously thought about getting a Nixon tattoo on account of the disgraced politician being badass and punk and subversive, unlike all those blow-dried phonies SJWs love. He’s the kind of kid who grows up looking up to the Watergate burglars and pines to become a rat-fucker.
A rat-fucker operates furtively behind the scenes to engender chaos, division and in-fighting in the camp of their political enemies. In 2016 a veritable online army of rat-fuckers took to social media with fake Twitter and Facebook accounts and played havoc with the presidential election in ways we’re still stumblingly trying to figure out.
Wohl, incidentally, has been banned from Twitter not for his rhetoric, crimes or duplicity bur rather for breaking its rules regarding fake accounts. Boy genius Wohl used one or more of these fake accounts to send fake death threats to himself, including one from @DrakeHomes612, a "diversity coordinator" in Minneapolis, who, of course, was actually, of course, just one of Wohl’s many online guises.
A rat-fucker is just about the worst thing anyone can be. It means you’re slime, scum, human garbage, a fucking parasite, Roger Stone. Just about the only thing lower than a rat-fucker is a failed rat-fucker like Wohl.
Before Wohl was synonymous with staggering stupid and transparently bogus rape accusations against respected figures he was tweeting extensively about a phenomenon only he was bold enough to document for posterity because it wasn’t happening anywhere outside his feverish, child-like imagination: Liberal and progressive hipsters in Los Angeles’ hippest coffee shops speaking in hushed tones about how much they secretly adore Trump and all of his incredibly successful policies and actions.
A typical tweet goes, “I just left a hipster coffee shop (safe space) here in LA and the libs were whispering to each other how @realDonaldTrump is doing great for the economy, got them a raise at work and will definitely be re-elected in 2020.”
The whole point of whispering is to talk so softly and discreetly that no one can hear you. That’s kind of the whole fucking point. Of course, whispering can also be sexy or dramatic or mysterious but mostly it’s for keeping your words and thoughts to yourself. So it seems a might bit suspicious that when the Libs and SJWs and Trump-haters in Los Angeles’ hippest, most stridently progressive coffee shops discuss, in hushed tones, just how deliriously happy all of Trump’s incontrovertible right and policies make them, they’re always talking just loudly enough for Wohl to be able to make out the gist of what they’re saying. These secret Trump-lovers’ low-volume take on the controversial president can be boiled down to “Yay, Trump! I want to hate him because I’m a typical Lib, Progressive or lefty type but he’s doing such an incontestably amazing job as president that I literally cannot because to hate Trump would be to hate winning and all the flawless victories he has scored on America’s behalf since he was sworn into office as our first-ever perfect president.”
My favorite part of that tweet is when the secretly Trump-worshipping libs at the hipster coffee shop don’t just gush about how well the economy is doing; they give personal credit to Trump for getting them a raise at work (unlike Obama, who would pay illegal immigrants to not work) instead of themselves.
Call me crazy, but if I were to ever attain a raise or a promotion I would attribute it to hard work and initiative, not the economic policies of a Commander in Chief I despise for both political and deeply personal reasons.
Wohl’s coffee house shenanigans became a meme of sorts, inspiring such sharp parodies as Simon Maloy’s "I just left a hipster coffee shop, it was packed with liberals, whispering amongst each other about how they like and RT all my tweets and think everyone who calls my feed 'a hot sewer pipe of putrescent offal' is a Russian agent.”
In true rat-fucker fashion, Wohl was crafting a clumsy, ham-fisted, patently false narrative he hoped would gain traction and currency through repetition and shamelessness: that disillusioned Democrats, particularly women, minorities, hipsters and college-age kids were walking away, Brexit-style, from a corrupt, extremism and identity politics-obsessed left and and running towards the incorruptible, God-like authenticity and moral authority of Donald Trump.
Wohl’s deep cover coffee house investigations into the secretly Trump-loving core of the ostensible Resistance may have been stupid. They may have been obviously, transparently, ridiculously fake. But they were also fundamentally harmless.
The same cannot be said of Wohl’s attempts to frame Trump opponents for sex crimes, which are so hilariously incompetent that you could be forgiven for assuming that Wohl was a Sacha Baron Cohen creation—the far-right ‘provocateur’ who always ends up getting publicly burnt by his own dumb schemes—if Cohen’s characters these days didn’t all look like they were wearing a mask that is melting.
In the kind of exquisite detail that makes this grade-A maroon so eminently worthy of widespread, even universal mockery, for being dunked on by the sum of the internet, or at least the part that has not gulped down the Trump Kool-Aid and begged for more, Wohl started a company called Surefire Intelligence, LLC to help him frame Mueller, the former leader of the FBI. The voicemail for the official phone number of Surefire Intelligence directed callers to the phone number of Wohl’s own mother.
Wohl tried to convince a press that had every reason in the world to doubt him, and zero reason to believe anything he had to say, that he had a credible accuser by the name of Carolyne Cass who would testify that Mueller had raped her in a hotel room in New York in 2010. The problem? As The Washington Post diligently reported a full EIGHT YEARS before the bogus “accusations”, the then-FBI director was serving jury duty that day.
Surefire Intelligence LLC could not have been more ironically or inaccurately named. It never worked, was astonishingly unintelligent to the point of utter stupidity and not really a company at all, but rather a front for Wohl’s cloak and dagger shenanigans.
The whole sad, sorry scheme unraveled very publicly even before a famously disastrous November 1st, 2018 press conference at a Holiday Inn where Wohl and partner in crime Conservative lobbyist Jack Burkman promised to "reveal the first of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's sex assault victims.”
The “victim” Wohl and Burkman promised to parade in front of the camera to destroy Mueller's credibility never showed. The flopsweat-drenched morons claimed it was because she feared for her life but by that point the press, which is not quite as stupid or as gullible as Wohl adamantly seems to believe they are had exposed the allegations as a cynical fraud cooked up for exclusively partisan reasons by a malevolent hack.
If this villain, this detestable rogue, this scoundrel, this man of appallingly low moral character, this dunce, this grifter with a heart of pure larceny possessed even an iota of legitimacy before he VERY unsuccessfully tried to framer Mueller for sex crimes he lost it by illegally conspiring against a registered Republican just trying to do his fucking job.
You’d think even an idiot on the level of Wohl would learn from the Mueller disaster that his skill set does not involve framing prominent public figures for sex crimes. We all have our own unique gifts, our own way of making a difference in the world.
Wohl is very bad at framing people even if they’re not the former head of the FBI. Yet that somehow did not keep him and Burkman from roaring up the old rat-fucking machine in order to frame Mayor Pete, the rare politician with a reputation as squeaky-clean as that of Mueller.
Wohl and Burkman apparently spent some time trying to find someone who would come forward with false sexual assault accusations again Mayor Pete. Even the scuzziest motherfuckers should know better than to get into business with this lot.
The unambiguously desperate duo decided that a gay Republican named Hunter Kelly would be their vessel to attack Mayor Pete, to kill his campaign in its infancy by soiling his spotless reputation. The problem? Despite his love for Trump, Kelly was not onboard with the program. As he told The Daily Beast in an article laying out Wohl’s duplicity, “To keep it brief for now, I was approached by a political figure to come to DC to discuss political situations from the standpoint of a gay Republican. When I arrived they discussed Peter Buttigieg and started talking about how they would be working a campaign against him.
I went to bed and woke up to a fake Twitter @RealHunterKelly and an article that I in no way endorsed or wrote. I have since left and am working on a formal statement to give to everyone including the Buttigieg family.”
Wohl was committing what sure seems like a clear-cut crime but he was also giving the internet a good, long chuckle. Yes, Jacob Wohl has accidentally done his part to bring us together by being a figure so ridiculous, so pathetic, so utterly and completely without scruples, ethics or value as a human being that you just gotta laugh long and hard at him, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum.
Love Trump or hate him, you gotta laugh at what a phenomenal dumbass Wohl is and how self-evidently idiotic all his schemes are.
At this point, you may be saying, “Hey, this fuckhead is only 21 years old! He’s a fucking kid! Isn’t there a chance he’ll turn his life around and use his sub-standard intelligence for good rather than evil? Nope. Wohl will never learn. If anything, he’ll somehow only get worse and worse, and he’s already about as low as a human being can be, status-wise, at this point.
Wohl is so bad at doing crimes and framing luminaries that I half expect to receive a call from him offering me seventy dollars and a steak dinner if I’ll stage a press conference where I will falsely claim that Hillary Clinton tried to give me a hand job against my will when I was volunteering for her last year.
Wohl’s actions didn’t just fail to sabotage his opponents: they ended up reflecting terribly on him, his side, his species and ultimately on civilization as a whole.
Wohl’s antics reflect terribly on him and wonderfully on his opponents. Mueller came out of Wohl’s smear campaign smelling like a rose, his reputation for honesty and non-rape intact. Mayor Pete similarly looks like a man so unrelentingly moral, even pious, that a political opponent would have to resort to blatant lies and criminal schemes in order to smear him.
Just as devastatingly for Wohl’s cause, if not more so, is how good his bogus attempts to smear Mueller and Mayor Pete make the press, those reviled “Enemy of the people”, look.
The news outlets who smelt a decidedly Wohl-scented rat and exposed his efforts to frame Trump foes come out of this boondoggle looking too savvy to fall for Wohl’s deceptions, although that’s setting the bar awfully low.
So congratulations, Jacob Wohl, you are officially the first human being spectacularly unsuccessful enough to qualify for My World of Flops! You are a true Fiasco, an unmistakable failure in seemingly every way, sure, but also such a spectacular, world-class, historic fuck-up that you qualify for Fiasco status as well.
You’re the first My World of Flops subject with a birthday. You’re the first My World of Flops Case File with a social security number. You’re the first My World of Flops Case File with fingerprints. I would say you were the first My World of Flops with a soul but, c’mon, we both know those are for human beings with dignity, not amoral, sociopathic ghouls like you.
Failure, Fiasco or Secret Success: Fiasco
Support My World of Flops and get access to patron-only content over at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace