The Website for the Canadian Garfield Pizzeria Is a Fascinating Shit Show

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I am not a fan of the the comic strip character Garfield. Far from it. But I am morbidly fascinated by the lasagna-loving, Monday-hating fat cat and the triumph of poignant banality that he epitomizes. I read the entire first year of Garfield for an article on this here website to determine that, yes, Jim Davis’ brainchild has always been terrible as well as a Grumpy Cat/Garfield collaborative comic book that represents the biggest crossover in history and the uncharacteristically trippy, non-terrible special Garfield: His 9 Lives.

So when I learned of the existence of a Canadian, Garfield-themed pizza restaurant called Garfield Eats I knew that I had to make a sacred pilgrimage to this most holy of restaurants. Then reality sank in. I realized that I could not leave my wife and children and spends hundreds of dollars flying to Canada solely to eat a mediocre, or sub-mediocre, pizza shaped like the head of a shitty comic book character. 

But I could experience a tantalizingly terrible taste of the Garfield Eats experience by logging onto Garfield Eats website. Incidentally, I love that Garfield Eats is also a complete sentence. Garfield Eats. Garfield Weeps. Garfield Ponders His Own Mortality. Garfield Cringes at the Surreal Absurdity of Late Stage Capitalism And Its Abundant Horrors. 

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The low-key assault on the senses begins with an introductory page that somehow manages to be appallingly, amateurishly spare and headache-inducingly cluttered at the same time. 

The garish mish-mash of words and images on the welcoming page gives out a real “Graphic design is my passion” vibe. In the upper left hand corner, Garfield super-fans have an opportunity to receive push notifications for “free lasagnas”, “pizzas” and something called Garficcinos. 

I hoped that Garficiccinos would be a collaborative venture with the actor Al Pacino involving signature pizzas based on his classic films, like And Pesto For All, Any Given Sausage and Cruising for Canadian Bacon. But no, apparently Garficcino is a clumsy portmanteau for Garfield and Cappuccino. In the left corner, we’re invited to chat. In the right, to call Garfield Eats. In the middle of the screen we’re asked if we want special “G codes” and “gifts” sent by mail. The G code, as I have always understood it, stands for the Gangsta code, but I’m guessing it means something different in Garfield Eats. 

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Part of what makes the Garfield Eats website so fascinating is that it appears to be poorly translated from another language. Under “Brand History”, for example, the site brags semi-coherently, “The Cartoon Classic, Garfield, Was Born In 1978 By Cartoonist Jim Davis. Garfield Turns 40 Year Olds in 2018! Garfieldeats Inspired By the 1980s Most Famous Hungry Orange Cat That Lives With Us For More Than 40 Years Becoming A Global Pop Culture With Over 200 Million Comic Books Sold in 80 Countries and 40 Languages.” 

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What role exactly does Garfield play at Garfield Eats? If the website is to be believed, he works a twelve hour day despite being a fictional cartoon cat. In a defiantly out of character humble-brag, the Garfield on the Garfield Eats site boasts unbecomingly, “I work my tail off daily from 11 A.M to 11:00 P.M even if I’d rather sleep.” 

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Garfield is also listed as the Chairman of Garfield Eats. In a section of the website entitled “Meet the Friends” we meet Garfield chairman Garfield and two of his friends. Who are these friends of Garfield? Nermal or Jon? Nope. Try Pascal Haider, co-founder of GarfieldEats and Nathen Mazi, Co-Founder/Chief Entergage Officer (CEO). 

In perhaps the ultimate useful feature on the GarfieldEats website, there are links to Haider and Mazi’s LinkedIn pages, which contain passages like this from Mazi’s account: “My duty is to inspire the masses and have fun doing what I finally love 24hrs with zest. Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, called me a rebel and crazy to create GarfieldEATS and these are keys to being a disrupter or shifter in a given industry. I am honored to partner with Mr.Davis to take Garfield to the next level in 2018. Be a trend-setter rather than a trend-follower!”

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What is entergagement, beyond the stupidest, clumsiest portmanteau imaginable? According to garfieldeats.com it’s “an engaging mobile app powered by entertainment features. It is a UI (user interface), which allows users to engage while being simultaneously entertained. GarfieldEATS app enables you to watch, play, order, read, collect, redeem, track, manage, chat, share and much more All-in-One app; we call “entergaging.” 

In other words, the GarfieldEats app is like every other fucking app in existence, only with an insultingly stupid name/idea. 

As for the food? Who cares? When a pizza is shaped like Garfield’s head does it really matter what it tastes like? It’s all about entergaging, baby, about being a rebel and a disruptor in the no doubt thriving Garfield-themed Italian eatery space! 

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The GarfieldEats website sure paints a picture. I am beyond fascinated. So someone with money and power and a position of authority, please assign me to write a profile of Garfield Eats and its eccentric co-creator/entergagement officer. It will be my masterpiece and also I’ll have an opportunity to experience Garfield Eats firsthand so it’ll be a win-win proposition all around. 

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