The Sorrowful Story of My "Weird Al" Yankovic Chia Pet

I am, as keen-eyed readers of this blog might already be aware, something of a “Weird Al” Yankovic fan. If something involving Al comes out I consider it my sacred duty to purchase it immediately. For I am not just a “Weird Al” Yankovic fan, historian and obsessive: I am a “Weird Al” Yankovic consumer as well. Considering the role consumerism plays in his music and aesthetic, that seems very fitting.

Funko pops of the classic look Al and Al in character for “Fat?” You better believe I purchased those as soon as humanly possible. Tee-shirts chronicling every stage of Al’s career? I have a closet full of those. The “Weird Al” Yankovic super high end Squeeze Box box set? I bought the most expensive version, although in the ensuing years every last album that wasn’t autographed by Al and myself and sent to patrons as part of various crowd-funding campaigns has been ruined by my two small boys. 

The coffee table book of black and white photographs Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz put together chronicling the early days? I bought MULTIPLE versions of that, including a limited edition box set. Basically, if something comes out with Al’s face on it I feel an urgent need to buy it. 

There’s an element of paying it forward to this as well: I very much appreciate Al collectors buying Weird Al: The Book and The Weird Accordion to Al and The Weird Accordion to Al: The Ridiculously Self-Indulgent, Ill-Advised Vanity Edition and I want them to know that I would buy the fuck out of my own books (and do!) even if I wasn’t also in the business of selling them. 

So when I discovered that Al was going to receive the greatest honor of all—his own Chia Pet—I knew this was something I had to own. Only our greatest artists, leaders and fictional characters are deemed worthy of that distinction: Bob Ross. Shrek. President Obama. The Golden Girls. Groot. Baby Yoda. Mr. T. E.T.

I saw growing the Chia Pet Al as a wonderful bonding activity for me and my “Weird Al” Yankovic-obsessed six year old Declan. I pride myself on being a good father to my two sons but was I ready for the responsibility of growing seeds out of a clay mold of one of my favorite artists? Only time would tell. But the answer, obviously, is no. 

I experienced a child-like surge of excitement when we got the Chia Al in the mail. Declan and myself opened the package with seeds and a mold of Al circa 1985 and prepared for a glorious adventure. I did not have a measuring cup or spoon so I improvised and combined what I thought was an appropriate amount of seeds and water to create a smooth paste I then spread across the head of the Chia Al evenly. 

This, readers, was my first mistake. And my big mistake. And my only mistake. I don’t want you to make this mistake, in growing a “Weird Al” Yankovic Chia Pet or any other endeavor, so I am going to say this very plainly, in all caps and bold: ALWAYS FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. CAREFULLY. DON’T “WING IT.” DON’T IMPROVISE. DON’T ASSUME YOU SOMEHOW KNOW BETTER THAN THE EXPERTS OVER AT CHIA PET INCORPORATED. 

Nevertheless, my son and I persisted. We spread the Chia paste all over Chia Al’s head, then waited patiently for it to start growing. It took a couple of days but finally some seeds started to sprout. I had created life! Like GOD or Dr. Frankenstein or anyone who has ever had children, and it felt good. Damn good. 

There was a problem, however. On one side of the Chia Pet, the magic was happening just as promised. I planted the seeds. I waited. And then the beautiful green sprouts began to grow. On the other side of the Chia Pet, however, the magic most assuredly was not happening. Instead of the gross paste evolving into lush emerald buds it turned into even grosser, even more foul-smelling paste. 

Yet still I waited. I hoped that the under-performing half of Al’s Chia Pet would prove late bloomers but bloom all the same. Instead my Chia Al looked like a lunatic with a rich, luxurious ‘fro over only one side of his head. 

I hoped with all my might that it was an aberration and that eventually the disgusting paste would turn into glorious vegetation. But finally I was forced to concede: I had screwed up. I’d successfully planted half of the Chia Pet but the other side simply would not grow. 

I felt like I’d failed Al in some strange way. I sent him an image of my sad little Chia Pet and being a resourceful soul, he encouraged me to try some manner of combover. I was so discouraged that I actually Googled “Chia Toupee.”

Finally I was forced to concede defeat. I tried to grow a “Weird Al” Yankovic Chia Pet. I failed. I washed off the mold and it was restored to its former beauty. 

I’ve thought about buying more packets of Chia seeds so I can begin the experiment again but I know when I’m licked. So I very much encourage you to buy the “Weird Al” Yankovic Chia Pet and, while you’re at it, literally everything related to Al, particularly in the literary realm, but for the love of god please FOLLOW directions so you don’t end up a harrowing cautionary tale like me. 

Help ensure a future for the Happy Place during an uncertain era AND get sweet merch by pledging to the site’s Patreon account at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace

Also, BUY the RIDICULOUSLY SELF-INDULGENT, ILL-ADVISED VANITY EDITION of  THE WEIRD ACCORDION TO AL, the Happy Place’s first book. This 500 page extended edition features an introduction from Al himself (who I co-wrote 2012’s Weird Al: The Book with), who also copy-edited and fact-checked, as well as over 80 illustrations from Felipe Sobreiro on entries covering every facet of Al’s career, including his complete discography, The Compleat Al, UHF, the 2018 tour that gives the book its subtitle and EVERY episode of The Weird Al Show and Al’s season as the band-leader on Comedy Bang! Bang! 

Only 23 dollars signed, tax and shipping included, at the https://www.nathanrabin.com/shop or for more, unsigned, from Amazon here