The 23 Most Outrageous Lines in a Press Conference I Hallucinated Donald Trump Holding While I Was Absolutely Fucked Out of My Mind on Peyote

If you’ve read CNN’s website over the past few years you’ve undoubtedly encountered ubiquitous listicles where Editor-At-Large Chris Cillizza lazily picks through a transcript of a Trump press conference, singling out particularly confused, or convoluted, or just plain nonsensical lines and then making facile wisecracks about them. 

It’s a surefire way to churn out content without wasting too much time or energy on research or analysis but because Trump tends to be incoherent and obnoxious in largely the same way these articles tend to be pretty damn repetitive. 

So we decided we’d spice things up a little by applying the Cillizza format to a Trump press conference I only imagined happened after taking a potentially lethal dose of peyote during an unsuccessful vision quest. 

1. “I just want to start off by letting everyone know that I just dropped a monster deuce in my adult diaper.”

I’m sorry, but that is not a dignified or presidential way to begin a press conference.

2. “Seriously, folks, it smells terrible.” 

Yeah, you’re not doing yourself any favors here. 

3. “Sleepy Joe soils himself constantly but he’s too ‘politically correct” to tell anyone. Not me! I’m secure enough to let you know that downstairs the odor is not GOOD!” 

There’s no reason you should have brought this up in the first place, let alone lingered on it. 

4. “It’s a total disaster! I’m completely incontinent and I want the world to know!” 

I can’t imagine FDR beginning a speech this way. 

5. “I’m here to tell the world that pooping yourself is cool! I do it all the time” 

Can we maybe move on to topic #2?

6. “I know it seems like I’m talking a lot about the load in my pants, but I’ve only just begun to discuss what is, frankly, my favorite topic of conversation.” 

Sweet Lord. 

7. “I made a stinky, folks. It’s real bad.” 

This is just getting painful.

8. “Anyone else here on Adderral? Cause I crushed up some Addy and snorted it with a million dollar bill just before I came on and I am absolutely flying. Did a finger-bump of Molly as well and I guess you could say that I’m raging as well. Seems like a shame I have to do a stupid press conference with you losers when I have all these groovy chemicals racing through my system”

Did the president just admit to using prescription drugs? 

9. “I see that rotten bastard Cap’N Crunch in the audience. He has a lot of nerve showing his face around here considering that he backed Crooked Hillary and later made love to Melania with a tenderness and power I could never hope to match. And he never spent a day in the military. Complete stolen valor. Other than the Trix Rabbit, a total Antifa stooge, he’s the worst of all cereal mascots, a real zero.”

Trump’s supporters follow him blindly, but even they will have a hard time understanding why he just publicly admitted to being cuckolded by a fictional mascot.

10. “On The Celebrity Apprentice I was alway trying to get the Noid as one of the contestants but they told me he was fictional. What about Colonel Sanders? They didn’t have an answer. Then I fired them all and anointed myself King of America.” 

(narrator’s voice): He’s not the King of America, and the Noid is not a real person. 

11. “On The Apprentice I kept trying to change my catchphrase to “Where’s the beef?” But it turns out that was an old lady’s catchphrase who sold hamburgers. Turned out she’s dead but I made love to her anyway in front of a cheering crowd of Antifa protestors.” 

Okay, now I’m starting to think he might not have said any of these things. 

12. “Drums” 

Uh…

13. (point dramatically at crowd) “This guy knows what I’m talking about! And THIS guy knows what I’m talking about! And this guy at the end, he DEFINITELY knows what I’m talking about!” 

I have no idea what he’s talking about. 

14. “So I say to Rudy, “Rudy, are you a Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruity Denny’s breakfast special or are you Rudy from the football movie of the same name? And he laughs, but he doesn’t laugh loudly or quickly enough so I let him know he’s THIS close to getting replaced by Chris Christie. So who knows, folks, next week I may have a new personal attorney”

Now I’m starting to know what he’s talking about. 

15. “Who here wants to see Eric and Donald Jr. fistfight for my enjoyment? My money’s on neither because they’re both cowards and embarrassments!” 

Wow. Those are NOT words any son wants to hear their say publicly, let alone during a press conference. 

16. (brings out battered acoustic guitar) “Who wants to hear me play a song on this thing? I just started lessons. I can do “Jane Says”, “Wonderwall” and a medley of “Jane Says” and “Wonderwall.”

Sorry, president, but pretty much every college freshman can say the same.

17. “There’s a killer on the road, his brain is squirming like a toad” 

Pretty sure the president stole that line from the Doors. 

18. “People say Jim Morrison is so great but have you heard the albums The Doors made after he died, Other Voices and Full Circle? Huge improvements. That Morrison guy was a total disaster. Dead weight. Some people even say he was on the drugs. I don’t know. I’m just asking.” 

An American Prayer better than The Doors’ 1967 self-titled debut? Maybe it is time to invoke the 25th amendment after all!

19. “Same deal with the Velvet Underground: Doug Yule was so much better than Lou Reed it wasn’t even funny. They should have called Squeeze Yule Like This Better Than All The Other Velvet Underground Albums because it was the best. Easily.” 

Not sure you’re right there, hoss! 

20. “Remember the beer commercial where all the friends, the bros, said “Wassup?” Wassup now, unfortunately, is a lot of people dying from COVID-19 due to Democratic governors and mayors but we’re going to plant a tremendous, tremendous tree in their name in Israel. It’s going to be an incredible honor!”

I’m not sure the president understands the protests at all. 

21. “Purple mushroom bicycle potato” 

Huh? 

22. “I am born of fire, I am born of flame.” 

Okay, now I’m really starting to lose it. 

23. “In conclusion, I just dropped another poop bomb. It went from bad to worse in my adult underwear area”

Ugh. Do I really have to pay attention to what this lunatic says? 

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