Greg Kelly and the World's Greatest Self-Own
Newsmax anchor Greg Kelly recently gave the internet a wonderful gift in the form of a self-own of historic proportions that gave everyone fortunate enough to read it the kind of belly laugh that just plain makes you feel good.
What a treat! What a treasure! With an exquisitely misplaced sense of self-righteous anger, the ridiculous straight white man and Donald Trump super-fan rage-tweeted of a recent culinary disappointment, “I just went to a MACDONALD’S and there was no MCFISH on the menu. When the hell did that happen? Is it permanently banned? Or is just my “local” MACDONALD’s. I demanded to see the “manager” but they accused me of being a “MALE KAREN” so I walked out.”
Kelly’s McDonald’s-shaming tweet was accompanied by a picture of the offending fast food joint he rage-photographed in a huff. It boggles the mind that Kelly wrote those words into his phone, ostensibly re-read them, and then decided to disseminate them publicly for all the world to see, confident that his outrage would reflect terribly on McDonald’s but well upon him.
To borrow a phrase from The Root that I love, the caucasity of Kelly’s tweets is astonishing. Like a lot of straight white Christians with money and power and no self-awareness, Kelly seems to think that any time he can’t get EXACTLY what he wants EXACTLY when he wants it it’s a result of the universe conspiring against him BECAUSE he’s a straight white conservative Christian man with money and power.
Kelly seems to think that if a black teenager or a trans woman were to ask for a “MCFISH” they’d get them for free, with complementary fries and a medium soda thrown in as a bonus but when they saw that a guy who looks like he voted for Donald Trump wanted one they pretended that they stopped serving a menu item Kelly seemed to think he had a constitutional right to consume.
From the way Kelly’s tweet is phrased it’s easy to assume that the McDonald’s fish sandwich, known as the Filet-O-Fish and not MCFISH, was somehow “cancelled” for supporting Donald Trump and our boys in Blue and tweeting “All Lives Matter” and memes mocking Black Lives Matters.
Kelly apparently thought that the MCFISH, despite being a sandwich, was a proud, very public Conservative, not unlike James Woods or Jon Voight, and consequently had no place in a Communist enterprise like (checks notes) McDonald’s so it had to be destroyed.
Kelly seems personally insulted by the idea that a fish sandwich of some sort is no longer on the menu at every McDonald’s in existence. What the hell’s the point of fast food if they can’t give you exactly what you want immediately? Where’s the fastness and/or convenience in that?
As a newsman, Kelly knows something is awry, that this “no MCFISH” story stinks to high heaven and that if he were to start following the breadcrumbs it would lead to the very top, the the ghosts of the McDonald brothers and zombie Ray Kroc.
MCFISHGate they’d call it, and it’d be even bigger than Obamagate! Where does ultimate responsibility for the “no MCFISH” hoax lie? Does the fault lie with McDonald’s as a multi-national globalist behemoth cruelly indifferent to the specific dietary desires of Newsmax anchor Greg Kelluy? Or did a “local” McDonald’s franchise go rogue and decide to sadistically deny Kelly the MCFISH sandwich Jesus himself wants him to have for the sake of political correctness?
Kelly was so confused, and so angry that he did what entitled white people inevitably do whenever they feel like worker bees are being insufficiently deferential to their needs: they “demand” to speak to the manager.
You know why they call people Karens? Because they demand to speak to managers out of a racist sense of entitlement and a stubborn conviction that if the rules were being followed to the letter, they’d get exactly what they want, plus an apology, plus gift certificates and free food, and the worker bee who displeased them would be fired on the spot.
In that respect Kelly is the dictionary definition of a Male Karen. He embodies the term so purely that from here on out the male variation on Karen should be Greg, or Greg Kelly.
That Greg Kelly: he’s SUCH a Karen that he’s a total Greg and Gregs are the worst but thankfully there’s still time for Kelly to do the honorable thing and delete his Twitter and withdraw from public life out of shame.
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