The Fact That a Elon Musk-Mark Zuckerberg Cage Match Was Even a Possibility Says Something Sad About Them and About Us

When I switched schools in fifth grade I instantly became the least popular person in my class. It was awful! Good lord did it fucking suck. One of the many things that sucked about that awful year was that after school every day the popular kids would force me and the other least popular kid in class to fight. 

There was no rhyme or reason to it. It didn’t make a lick of sense but children are sometimes unfathomably cruel, especially as middle school approaches. 

The other biggest geek in the fifth grade and myself would grudgingly fight each other because it seemed like we had no choice. We were unpopular. We were nerds. We were geeks. We had no friends. We were, in other words, completely powerless and vulnerable, even more than most small children are. 

I mention this because earlier this year the stupid, stupid internet and world of social media was riveting by the prospect of two other nerds fighting, possibly in some manner of cage match. 

The geeks in question were not, however, eleven year olds being forced to square off as part of the casual cruelty of adolescence. They were not powerless Poindexters. On the contrary they were, and are literally two of the richest and most powerful men on the planet. 

The planet! I’m not just talking about this eminently questionable country. I’m talking about the whole goddamn globe. 

As you may have discerned by this point the two nerds in question are Elon Musk, the richest man in the world and owner of Tesla, Twitter and SpaceX as well as one of the world’s biggest assholes, and Facebook mogul Mark Zuckerberg. 

In a sane, rational, non-terrible world the idea of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg engaging fisticuffs in some manner of MMA match would be a rejected idea in the Celebrity Deathmatch writer’s room. 

In this insane, irrational, terrible world an Elon Musk-Mark Zuckerberg fight was, horrifyingly, a seemingly real possibility for a matter of months. 

The rival social media moguls both agreed to the match at various times. It’s easy to see why Elon Musk ostensibly wanted to do it before he didn’t. It’s not enough for him to be the world’s richest man and own Twitter, Tesla and SpaceX; he is also hellbent on being the world’s most famous man, the world’s funniest man, the world’s coolest man and the world’s biggest troll. 

Negative attention is the oxygen Musk needs to live. He has an insatiable appetite for press, a desperate need to be at the center of everything, all the time. 

Musk is a con man with the soul of a carny, although that description does the noble carny a grave injustice. He’s a low-rent Vince McMahon wannabe so of course he’s going to be interested in that kind of circus. 

I also understand why Zuckerberg would be tempted to mix it up with Elon “Madman” Musk with the whole world watching. He’s proficient in Brazilian jiujitsu and MMA. If I spent a lot of time getting good at something I would welcome an opportunity to illustrate my gifts. 

I would also LOVE an opportunity to punch Elon Musk in the face over and over again. How great would that be? How wonderfully satisfying it would be to pummel him mercilessly with your fists until he’s a sobbing lump on the ground pleading for mercy! 

Mark Zuckerberg would live out everyone’s dream by beating up Elon Musk for a good cause, as the match would be for charity. 

Zuckerberg and Musk are not me and the other least popular kid in fifth grade fighting each other because the other kids are forcing us to. They’re masters of the universe. They’re billionaires. They’re world famous. They are businessmen who lead giant corporations full of employees that work under them and possibly even look up to them. 

And for a good long while they both acted like they would be happy to risk physical injuries and looking like fools in front of an international audience out of some bizarre need to prove their manliness, strength and prowess to the world, themselves and each other. 

How fucked up is that? That strikes me as ridiculously childish and immature and I am an unemployed, unemployable Juggalo man-child who dresses exclusively in hoodies and tee-shirts.  

It doesn’t matter, ultimately, that the match did not happen, mostly because Musk, with his magnificently doughy physique, did not want to be humiliated by a famous nerd beating the shit out of him. 

What matters is that two of the richest and most powerful figures in American history both talked a whole lot of shit about fighting each other in a public match. 

That to me says that we as a culture are no better or more dignified than the asshole kids in the fifth grade schoolyard bullying the biggest nerds in class into fighting each other. 

That is sad. That is so fucking sad but we somehow live in a society where even the biggest geeks feel the need to pretend they’re tough guys and jocks. Having billions of dollars and wielding massive power isn’t enough; they need to prove that they’re also the toughest and baddest and that is, honestly, pathetic. 

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