I Think About the Girl Who Yelled "Cash Me Outside. Howbowdah?" Being a Millionaire Rapper Way More Than Is Healthy

For a long time I was obsessed with the image of an elderly Billy Wilder getting up every morning, taking a shower and putting on a suit and tie before driving himself to an office so that he could work on screenplays that would never get made and field non-existent calls asking him to direct one last film. 

Deep into old age Wilder’s mind was sharp and his spirit was willing. He was a creative person who wanted to work but because he was not Woody Allen or Martin Scorsese he couldn’t keep cranking out a movie a year into old age. 

Wilder did not die until 2002 but his final film was the 1982 flop Buddy, Buddy. 

For me the fact that Wilder went to the office every day but could not procure work despite being one of the greatest writers and directors the world of film has ever known while Rob Schneider remains perpetually employed exemplified the extremely unfair nature of show business and also life. 

We are anything but a meritocracy. We’re closer to being a reverse-meritocracy, where success often goes to sociopaths, narcissists, cheaters and creeps. 

I don’t think about old Billy Wilder much these days. 

For the last five years or so when I want to think about how unfair the world is I focus on the curious saga of Danielle Bregoli. 

Bregoli rocketed to a distinctly Warholian/Kardashian level of fame when she taunted, “Cash me outside. Howbowdah?” on a legendary episode of The Dr. Phil Show.

You’re on! Outside it is! We can catch up and maybe enjoy a nosh?

It was a semi-literate way for the then-thirteen year old Bregoli to admonish haters that if they want to talk shit about her they could meet up outside where she would presumably beat the holy living shit out of them for their disrespect. 

In a Black Mirror development the whole world became obsessed with this instantly iconic bit of wordplay and the seemingly unhinged tween behind it. 

The entertainment world eagerly asserted that, yes, it would like to meet Bregoli outside, but not for a fistfight. Instead the show-business world, in its infinite kindness, its infinite fairness and its infinite wisdom inundated Bregoli with offers. 

Lots of bottom-feeding opportunists decided that they had to get into bhusiness in a bhig way with this unpleasant young woman whose disrespect for authority somehow made her a pop icon. 

Danielle Bregoli the Dr. Phil standout became rapper Bhad Bhabie. I hear that she was originally going to call herself Bhad Speeelller but that seemed a little too meta. 

While still barely into her teens Bregoli got a record deal with Atlantic and in 2017 became the youngest female rapper to crack the top 100. She was the third youngest person to score a top 100 hit after Jojo and Stevie Wonder.

She has subsequently thrived as a rapper, putting out albums and singles and starring in her own reality show. 

Fellas, what is keeping you from getting like them?

Look, for all I know Bhad Bhabie might be extremely talented. She may have something important to say and a compelling way of saying it but in my darkest hours I can’t help but feel that it is at least a little bit unfair that I’ve struggled and struggled and worked hard for twenty-six years and feel like I have little to show for it, at least monetarily, deep into middle age, while the now-twenty-year-old who yelled “Cash me outside. Howbowdah?” is a millionaire many times over. 

In capitalism we have a concrete way of gauging people’s worth as human beings: money. By that standard Bhad Bhabie is a very valuable and important human being because she is very rich and very famous while I have almost no value because I almost couldn’t be doing worse financially. 

I mean, I did coin the phrase “Manic Pixie Dream Girl.” That’s certainly something even if it’s not “Cash me outside. Howbowdah!?” Bhabie got a whole career off that catchphrase while I’m still trying and failing to figure out a way to make ANY money off my ubiquitous brainchild. 

Maybe I’ll sell tee-shirts with “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” on the front and “Cash Me Outside. Howbowdah?” so we can both get paid but honestly, I need the money a lot more than she does. 

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