I Never Thought I Would Write These Words But 1994's Leprechaun 2 is Quite Poor
Sliding into your girl’s DMs like…
I don’t like to brag, but I have an incredible ability to consume massive amounts of total crap without getting tired, bored, irritable, or distracted. This gift from God has proven not just useful but essential because I have forged, out of will, talent, determination, and hard work, a shambling, falling-down mess of a career predicated on watching and writing about the kind of flaming garbage saner, less desperate would never even contemplate experiencing.
Sometimes, however, the spirit is just not with me. That’s been the case for the last couple of weeks. It pains me to admit this, but I got seriously bored watching such rancid detritus as the late-period VR John Travolta vehicle Speed Kills, the poorly received 1990 TV movie It’s a Wonderful Life spin-off Clarence, and now 1994’s Leprechaun 2.
I was more than bored. I was distracted. I was disinterested. I kept checking my wrist to see how much time was left on each film despite not having a wristwatch.
This might seem like a human, sane response to objectively terrible entertainment, but I am not sane, and I’m not sure I’m even human. What I am, or at least what I have always been, is a bad movie consumption machine.
That machine has been on the blink as of late. I’m not just saying that because I want to do more freelancing, and I know there are a lot of prestigious sites and publications that won’t even think about running an article about Leprechaun 2 unless it contains a six-hundred-word digression about the author’s debilitating battle with depression and anxiety.
Oh, but I have memories of Leprechaun 2! Weird, weird memories. That’s because a quarter century ago, when I was a Wisenheimer out to name for himself in pop culture media, I went on a junket for Idle Hands whose purpose was to viciously mock the concept of junkets and the desperate opportunists who cling to them.
To that end, I did not ask the cast of Idle Hands questions about Idle Hands. Since Rodman Flender directed Leprechaun 2 before Idle Hands, I asked them all about the Leprechaun series instead.
I had this exchange with Jessica Alba:
The Onion: Have you seen Leprechaun 2?
Jessica Alba: No, I haven't.
O: But once you were offered this film, didn't you think, "Gee, maybe I should see Leprechaun 2, as it will give me valuable insight into Rodman Flender, with whom I'll be working"?
JA: Well, you know, I worked with Rodman in the film, and I know that it's his vision and his movie, and I think the film is great, and that he did a really good job.
Here’s what Eldon Hensen had to say about Leprechaun 2, or possibly the original one:
The Onion: You're a big fan of movies. Did you see Leprechaun 2 in order to prepare for your role in Idle Hands?
Elden Henson: You know, I think I did see Leprechaun 2. At the time, I don't think I knew whether it was Leprechaun 2 or the first Leprechaun.
O: Maybe I can help you out, then. In the film that you saw, did the leprechaun go around killing people?
EH: I haven't seen the whole thing. I only saw maybe a couple of minutes of it.
O: But you saw enough to say, "Whoever directed this film is an auteur! This man has a vision?"
EH: See, I didn't even know that he did Leprechaun 2. But when I met with him, he seemed so excited about the film. He had the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store.
O: He was still excited about having directed Leprechaun 2? So, he was like, "Guess what, everyone? I totally directed Leprechaun 2! That movie's great! Let's all go watch it again now!"
EH: No, he was really excited about this film.
And here’s what Seth Green told me:
The Onion: To prepare for your role in Idle Hands, did you go see Rodman Flender's last film, Leprechaun 2?
Seth Green: You know, what's actually pretty horrific is that one of the Leprechaun movies—I'm not sure if it was one, two, or three, but one of them—was playing at the Sunset 5 Theater as a midnight movie, and we went in there and watched for about five minutes. And we said, "God, this is just so fucking horrible." So we went and saw something else. It was just so fucking bad. He goes to Vegas! What a shitty movie! (thankfully for Flender, this was Leprechaun 3)
Good times, good times! It turns out that making random celebrities mildly uncomfortable by asking them about Leprechaun 2 is more fun than actually watching Leprechaun 2.
Incidentally, the three options for this week’s 1994 movie were the bisexual romance Threesome and the Leonard Nimoy-directed obscurity Holy Matrimony. Here’s the plot section of its Wikipedia page:
A young couple, Havana (Patricia Arquette) and Peter, robs a county fair of its daily receipts and escapes to Canada to hide out in the Hutterite community where Peter was raised.
While there, they marry to satisfy the conservative elders in the community. Peter hides their loot but then is killed in a car wreck. His much younger brother Zeke (a thirteen year old Joseph Gordon-Levitt)
is called upon to replace his brother and marry Havana in a levirate marriage.
Zeke already hates Havana because he believes that she influences his elder brother's behavior. She begins looking through everything that was Peter's, and Zeke rightly deduces that Peter hid something from her. He finds the money, along with a newspaper article that mentions Peter as the prime suspect in the robbery.
Zeke initially uses the cash to trick his bride into doing housework. Later he shows it to the elders, who deem that it should be returned to its rightful owners. Zeke and Havana (who claims innocence of the source of the money) are sent on a quest back to the US to return the money.
During this quest, the two eventually forget their initial animosity and grow protective of each other. When Havana kisses him goodbye, Zeke promises to return and give her a real kiss when he is older.
How could you NOT vote for something like that? It sounds crazy! And wildly inappropriate. And it was directed by Mr. Spock, the famous logic-loving Vulcan from the television program Star Trek, Star Trek: The Animated Series and movies such as Star Trek: The Movie. C’mon, guys!
I’m not saying that you made a bad choice and did not choose wisely, but you made a bad choice and did not choose wisely.
Leprechaun 2 opens with a prologue in Ireland one thousand years before the main action. Irishman William Day is paying a terrible price for trying to purloin the gold of the titular evil leprechaun (Warwick Davis).
It’s Saint Patrick’s Day and the leprechaun’s birthday, so he decides to treat himself to a fetching young bride to have and hold and terrorize for all eternity, so long as they both may live. Unfortunately for the cursed gold-stealer, the Leprechaun, who is unlucky for everyone in his path, has his eyes set on the man’s comely daughter.
Yet, like a real maroon, the Leprechaun tells the beautiful young woman’s father how he will curse her AND how to defeat the curse. That, to me, is sloppy evil-doing. It’s Roger Ebert’s “The Fallacy of the Talking Killer. “
The pint-sized dumbass tells a man he controls that the woman only needs to sneeze three times in order to be his for eternity, but that if someone says “Bless you” after the third sneeze, then the curse is undone. The father blesses his daughter after the fateful third sneeze and the leprechaun’s evil, stupid plan crumbles.
He vows revenge. One thousand years later he re-emerges in contemporary Los Angeles in seach of Bridget Callum (Shevonne Durkin) a descendent of the fetching lass who once won his heart. Bridget is dating Cody Ingalls (Charlie Heath), an ethically dubious young hustler who runs a disreputable tour of L.A’s most morbid historical spots.
The li’l devil comes to the City of Angels seeking love and gold. In that respect, he’s not unlike many people who come to the city every year, except that he has no interest in screenwriting or directing.
The leprechaun finds Bridget and brings him to his underground lair to prepare for their imminent wedding. She’s not into him. I’d like to think it’s because he’s an evil leprechaun who is forcing her to marry him against her will and wants to disfigure her so that she’ll look like a hideous monster like himself.
But I suspect that the real reason that she doesn’t want to marry this insane stranger is because she has an iron-clad policy against dating men who aren’t six feet tall, make six figures, and have a six-pack. Who is the real monster, a quintessential “little guy” just looking for love or a femme fatale with impossible standards?
Cody eventually manages to free his girlfriend, AND he makes off with Lublan the Leprechaun's lucky gold coins. Now, Ireland’s most rancid export is out for his gold coin and his wife-to-be. Our heroes stumble upon an ancient, narratively convenient book that explains that a leprechaun’s powers are vast and infinite and change according to the needs of each individual scene.
The leprechaun can make himself invisible, but he can also shape-shift and assume the form and voice of anything that he wishes. He is not, however, immune to hangovers, as we learn during a “comic” scene where he participates in a drinking contest and then must sober up with espressos from a barista played by my MadTV funnyman Michael McDonald, whom he then murders.
Leprechaun 2 at least attempts to be intentionally funny. Late in the film, for example, Lublan shows up in a souped-up roadster known as “MeGold.” I wondered where and when he had the time to have something like that built. Then again, he is a magical leprechaun, so he could presumably make one materialize with a wave of his hand.
The Leprechaun can also grant wishes, but they invariably backfire in the most deadly, brutal, and obvious way.
The only thing of any value in Leprechaun 2 is Warwick Davis as Luban the Leprechaun. The legendary little person actor is clearly having a ball playing the wickedest, most mischievous and demented villain imaginable. I suspect that ninety percent of the film’s modest budget went to Davis’ salary. His impressive make-up and clothing probably cost another five percent, leaving what little is left for everything else.
Thanks to Davis’ charisma and goofy dark humor, the Leprechaun is a great villain in a sequel that never even comes close to being good.
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