MAGA's Four Point Plan For Defending the Indefensible

Because I apparently never learn, I genuinely wondered how the Republican Party was going to spin Donald Trump posting an AI video of himself in a fighter jet dropping massive piles of rancid feces as a response to seven million Americans gathering together joyously to protest our grim turn towards authoritarianism.

I should have known how they would respond because the GOP, particularly press secretary Karoline Leavitt and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, has a playbook they inevitably employ when Donald Trump says or does something reprehensible and indefensible.

There are four main components to MAGA cultists defending the indefensible. They are, in order:

It’s a joke! A good rule of thumb with Trump is that if he says something and the public is overwhelmingly disgusted or repulsed, he and his lackeys will say that it’s just a joke from a man who loves to laugh and have fun. If the public seems intrigued, then he’ll say that he’s serious.

Trump has turned kindergarten-level trolling into a distressingly successful communication strategy. “U Mad, Bro? LOL” is the unofficial motto of a presidency that has bequeathed itself seemingly limitless powers, yet behaves with the maturity of a five-year-old, as evidenced by Leavitt responding to a serious journalistic query about who chose Budapest as a meeting place for Trump and Putin when that’s where Russia earlier promised not to invade Ukraine with, “You’re mom did!”

Offended, Libtard? Why don’t you hide in your safe space, snowflake?!?

Incidentally, while researching this blog post, I googled, “Mike Johnson,” trump poop AI defense.” What a cursed series of words. I feel dumber for having written and read them more than once.

The sniveling, Smithers-ass bitch whined in defense of Donald Trump’s shitty AI video, “The president uses social media to make the point. You can argue he’s probably the most effective person who’s ever used social media for that. He is using satire to make a point. He is not calling for the murder of his political opponents.”

It’s satire, baby! Don’t be so offended!

Donald Trump is a contemporary Jonathan Swift! The poop from the above Truth Social post was his “A Modest Proposal.” Trump’s social media is a contemporary version of Dr. Strangelove, but with more random capitalizations, ALL CAPS, and fevered conjecture about the low IQs of black women.

He’s making a point! Maybe you’re too dense, or “woke” to understand satire that sophisticated. There’s the jet and the shit and the protesters, and Trump dropped all the crap on the libs. There are so many layers!

This brings us to the second and third inevitable defenses. Trump’s inability to think before he acts is treated as a form of candor and authenticity. Because he babbles whatever horseshit is rattling around in his brain at the moment, people inexplicably see that as honesty when he’s one of the most blatant and prolific liars in American history.

Barack Obama committed the crime of clearly thinking before he spoke. You could hear it in the rambling rhythms of his speech. Coastal elites think before they talk. Real Americans go off half-cocked.

Besides, the people LOVE the way Trump communicates! They love the racism! They love the sexism! They love the insults and the lies! They love the pathological bragging and smearing of everyone who does not support him as evil, insane, and paid off by George Soros! Trump’s social media accounts are firehoses of hate. His followers can’t drink deeply enough from its foul offerings.

To insult Trump is consequently to insult the 81 million REAL Americans who voted for him, and, in his mind at least, aggressively cosign everything he does, no matter how extreme, insulting, or insane.

Why do you hate your countrymen? Is it because you’re a woke, weak, criminal, illegal-loving America-hater?

If a Democrat expresses less than glowing feelings about the supporters of an opposing candidate, the world never lets them forget it. When Trump literally posts a computer-generated image of himself dropping filth on people who care enough about our country to stand together to make their voices heard, it does not hurt him in the slightest.

MAGA has successfully branded the left as humorless scolds who can't take a joke, and do not believe that people should be allowed to make jokes, but the right's conception of jokes often involves blatant racism and xenophobia.

For example, J.D. Vance recently defended the famously hateful group chat among an aggregation of rising Republican operatives as a mere matter of "young boys" telling "edgy, offensive jokes." It did not matter to Vance that the "young boys" in the chat were in their twenties and thirties. They were Republicans and Trump supporters, and consequently deserved all the grace and forgiveness in the world, particularly for using the kind of language that the GOP loves to use but that the left somehow thinks is bad because it's anti-Black and pro-Hitler.

MAGA loves the phrase “pearl-clutching”—George Santos used it to describe outrage over his many crimes and undeserved pardon—because it’s gendered, and implies that the left are a bunch of uptight ladies who get offended by everything while the right are hilarious bros with great senses of humor who can appreciate a good racist joke, even if it’s not a joke so much as undisguised bigotry.

Trump has a unique genius on Twitter. He’s literally the most effective person who’s ever used social media to make a point. True, the points he uses social media to make are “Democrats are evil traitors sucking Satan’s horned cock for their beloved criminal illegal aliens”, “if the judiciary holds me in check, they’re evil partisans who must be destroyed,” and “no one should be allowed to make fun of me or ask me critical questions.”

It’s not the points Trump uses social media to make that matter; it’s his supreme effectiveness. He’s the best in the world, yet again. Nobody is better at posting videos of himself cosplaying as Tom Cruise in Top Gun but with a scatological twist! He should win the Nobel Prize in arts for that one!

This brings us to the final defense: the Democrats did it first, and the Democrats did it worse! Republicans never stop using the imaginary crimes of their opponents to justify their very real transgressions.

For example, every day, Donald Trump talks enthusiastically about how much he hates the sizable percentage of the populace that does not unconditionally support him and his policies. He even brought up his fierce contempt for the people he had sworn a sacred oath to serve at a memorial for Charlie Kirk.

That might seem bad, but Barack Obama once said, “You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate, and they have not.

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations”, which is somehow worse than taking great pride in helping cause the suffering of American citizens who disagree with you.

There is nothing Trump can do that MAGA will not defend using the same lame arguments they always employ. Trump could be filmed sexually assaulting a goat on the White House lawn while screaming racial slurs, and J.D. Vance would pop up on TV decrying the “pearl-clutching” of butthurt libs mad because the president was having fun with animals and expressing himself with the refreshing candor and bluntness that the American people love and have voted for repeatedly while Biden destroyed the economy with inflation and invited tens of millions of homicidal illegal aliens to rape our women and take our jobs.

MAGA would try to convince the public that what Trump did was nothing compared to Joe Biden weaponizing the Department of Justice to target Trump, or the left trying to kill Trump for standing up for Americans over criminal illegal aliens.

The right’s strategy for defending Trump’s endless assaults on decency and democracy may be cynical and dishonest, but it’s also effective, so don’t expect them to abandon it any time soon, or ever.