President Trump Took a Break From Destroying Democracy to Give Horny, Racist Reviews of the Sydney Sweeney American Eagle Campaign and a Notoriously "Woke" Jaguar Ad
They have fun! #ATerrificGuy
For the past two weeks or so, our country has been obsessed with two questions, and two questions only. Is the most powerful president in American history, a man who essentially appointed himself God-King of our country with the help of a sycophantic judiciary and legislature, complicit or an active participant in a decades-long underage sex trafficking ring run by his longtime best friend, a man he has publicly praised for being a fellow womanizer?
The sex trafficker in question is, of course, the late, not-so-great Jeffrey Epstein. In 2002, Trump told New York, "I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it -- Jeffrey enjoys his social life.”
MAGA cultists somehow read Trump bragging about how he’s been chasing women—many of them on the younger side—alongside Jeffrey Epstein for fifteen wonderful, fun and secret-filled years and decided that he was a messianic figure who would take down an evil pedophile cannibal ring run by his longtime buddy and wingman rather than, you know, a massive creep and sexual predator.
The second, equally important question that has riveted us as a very stupid, very tacky nation (countries, like businesses, take after their leaders) involves the politics, racial and otherwise, of the girl from Euphoria with the big boobs.
We still have not received a definitive answer as to whether or not our insane emperor defiled teenagers alongside a “terrific guy” who “enjoys his social life,” or whether it merely seems that way to everyone with a functioning brain.
We received an answer, if not a definitive one, as to the politics of the sexpot from Madame Web when it came out that she was a registered Republican.
Conservatives who already saw the voluptuous vixen as a woke-killing society-savior due to her controversial ads got even more excited. Finally, a thin, blonde, and blue-eyed white American woman with disproportionately large breasts was being treated like a sex object! That was seen as a very positive development for our country as a whole, not just the jeans company that benefited from her instant infamy/enormous breasts.
In his bid to distract us from the other question, President Trump lurched into the discourse to express his excitement over a buxom blonde being objectified as a way of selling modestly priced clothing.
On the ironically named Truth Social, horny grandpa sputtered, “Sydney Sweeney, a registered Republican, has the “HOTTEST” ad out there. It’s for American Eagle and the jeans are “flying off the shelves.” Go get ‘em Sydney! On the other side of the ledger, Jaguar did a stupid, seriously WOKE advertisement, THAT IS A TOTAL DISASTER! The CEO just resigned in disgrace and the company is in absolute turmoil. Who wants to buy a Jaguar after looking at that disgraceful ad. Shouldn’t they have learned a lesson from Bud Light, which went Woke and essentially destroyed, in a short campaign, the Company. The market cap destruction has been unprecedented, with BILLIONS OF DOLLARS SO FOOLISHLY LOST. Or just look at Woke singer Taylor Swift. Ever since I alerted the world as to what she was by saying on TRUTH that I can’t stand her (HATE!)She was booed at out of the Super Bowl and became, NO LONGER HOT. The tide has seriously turned—Being WOKE is for losers, being Republican is what you want to be. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
This campaign reminds me a lot of Sia’s Music. That is not a good thing.
Incidentally, Trump is apparently computer illiterate and doesn’t know how social media works (which is ideal for someone who owns a small, failing social media company that is bleeding money, yet also somehow valued at billions of dollars), so he dictates his tweets to underlings rather than entering them himself. That means he must tell the cursed soul tasked with conveying his insanity to the world to use grammar in a manner that is simultaneously mindlessly, needlessly aggressive, random, and unbelievably annoying.
Sweeney (whose first name was misspelt as “Sidney” in the first version of the post) isn’t the only curvaceous Republican blonde young enough to be his granddaughter that Trump has been lusting after publicly.
When asked what he liked most about 27-year-old press secretary Karoline Leavitt, he gushed, “It’s that face. It’s that brain. It’s those lips, the way they move. They move like she’s a machine gun. She’s great. She’s a great person, actually. I don’t think anybody has ever had a better press secretary than Karoline. She’s been amazing.”
If I were a shameless philanderer trying to get the world to forget about my close friendship with a world-class degenerate who molested teenagers, and was also married, I probably wouldn’t be advertising how horny I was for women over fifty years younger than myself. Trump, however, never thinks before he talks. That’s why his base loves him; they misread his inability to control himself or the words that come flying out of his mouth for honesty and authenticity.
When pondering Trump’s horny and hateful word salad, it’s important to remember two facts about Trump and his followers.
First, you must remember that Trump considers the “rigging” of the 2020 presidential election, his two impeachments, and his conviction for thirty-four felonies as the three greatest crimes in human history.
Trump thinks that the entire Democratic Party committed these unforgivable transgressions. He consequently feels that anyone who voted for Joe Biden or Kamala Harris is a dangerous, radical extremist who illegally and unethically helped steal the 2020 presidential election, frame him for dozens of felonies, and ensure that he was impeached twice as often as any other president.
The president would probably like to ban the Democratic Party, which he sees as lawless, amoral, and an enemy of the people. He and his henchmen and women have done everything in their power short of issuing an executive order for the Democrats to disband to ensure that the Democrats have as little power and potential as possible.
From the way he talks, you’d think that Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Barack Obama were in the next room when Trump was arrested, listening in and calling the shots.
He consequently views tepidly endorsing middle-of-the-road Democrats as a dangerous act of anti-American extremism that must be punished.
That’s how Trump sees Swift’s politics. Swift is rich, white, blonde, conventionally attractive, and Southern, so he thinks she should be a Trump super-fan/Aryan goddess. I’m sure he sees her endorsement of Kamala Harris as an unforgivable act of race betrayal to all the other straight white millionaires and billionaires.
Trump didn’t always feel that way. He previously, and creepily, said of the 33-year-old, “I think she’s beautiful—very beautiful. I find her very beautiful. I think she’s liberal. She probably doesn’t like Trump. But I hear she’s very talented. But I think she’s very, I think she’s very beautiful, actually—unusually beautiful.”
In the space of a minute or so, Trump said that Swift was beautiful no less than five times. Her beauty was not great enough, however, to make up for the sin of not supporting him.
Trump, a 79-year-old grandfather who thinks he deserves the Nobel Prize for Peace AND Economics and is apoplectic that neither is forthcoming, brags that he “alerted the world as to what (Swift) was” as if he exposed some shameful, humiliating secret that cost Swift her popularity, rather than blurting “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!” in an online tantrum childish and thin-skinned even by Trump’s lenient standards.
This, alas, attracted the wrong kind of attention.
Trump clearly sees destroying Taylor Swift’s career with a single caps lock four-word tweet followed by an exclamation point as one of his greatest achievements, not something that would embarrass even a bratty, cruel middle schooler. He also seems to think that Swift’s career is in the toilet when she’s a fucking billionaire dating a future Hall of Fame football player who could lose hundreds of millions of dollars and half her fanbase still be doing better than just about anyone else in pop music.
Trump and his allies talk about “common sense” and “restoring sanity”, phrases they slap onto executive orders, both nonsensical and insane. What they mean is that a hierarchy exists that is natural, organic, and right that we have strayed from at our great peril.
This hierarchy insists that the rich are better than the poor, white is better than Black, light-skinned is preferable to dark-skinned, thin is better than fat, cis is preferable to trans and non-binary, conventional gender roles are better than androgyny, busty is preferable to flat-chested, conventionally attractive is better than weird-looking, and so on.
This helps explain why Trump felt the need to chime in on an eight-month-old campaign for Jaguar helmed by designer and director Tom Ford, which features everything that MAGA despises: androgyny, unapologetic dark-skinned black women, scowling models with asymmetrical hair and avant-garde outfits, non-conformity, art, diversity, equity, and inclusion. It’s advertising that challenges and provokes rather than soothes. It’s also, admittedly, very strange, in no small part because it’s a car commercial that doesn’t at any point feature a car. Also, it reminds me of Sia’s Music. That is not good.
In his role as our nation’s head racist, Trump once again wants to remind us that the hot, smiling Republican with the killer rack, blue eyes, blonde hair, and milky complexion is better than all of the weird black and Asian models with their angry scowls, bald heads, bizarre fashions, and unforgivably dark skin.
The most powerful president in American history took time out of his busy day to cheer on a Republican with the courage to be conventionally attractive and give bigoted reviews of two commercials, one of which committed the cardinal sin of not catering to his prejudices.
Trump’s world is crumbling, and he’s devoting his ever-decreasing energies to getting mad at a commercial with weird non-whites being all crazy and lust over one of our culture’s preeminent sex symbols.
The fucked up thing is that this is business as usual for Trump. It’s not that different from his other posts.
“She’s a registered Republican? Oh, now I love her ad!” enthused Trump to reporters. It doesn’t matter how HOT she might be, If, like Taylor Swift, if she doesn’t love “TRUMP”, your favorite president, then she’s no damn good at all, and her hotness and her whiteness (the two are synonymous in his mind) don’t mean a goddamn thing, but if she’s the rare celebrity to be publicly Republican, then she’s nothing less than the smoking hot savior of western civilization.
It’s fucking exhausting, is what it is. I miss presidents who didn’t make you feel as stressed as Henry Hill at the end of Goodfellas when he’s seeing and hearing helicopters everywhere in a coked-up haze all the goddamn time for no damn reason at all.
This will end eventually. But I have no idea what kind of shape we’ll be in as a country and a world when it does.
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Nathan needed expensive, life-saving dental implants, and his dental plan didn’t cover them, so he started a GoFundMe at https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-nathans-journey-to-dental-implants. Give if you can!
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