Heaven's House Band


If you’re corny and a music fan you’ve probably spent some time thinking about what an amazing house band they must have up in heaven. Think of how much explosive musical talent has died since the beginning of time. Let’s see: there’s Mozart, Falco and Tim Dog just for starters. Can you even imagine what kind of a super-group those three would form? I can, and have written extensive fan fiction about just such an event, each accompanied by a concept album designed to function as a soundtrack. 

Yes, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Heaven’s House Band (who I’ve decided to name “Heaven’s House Band”) and who belongs in this most auspicious of outfits. Now I should admit upfront that I’m including a lot of people who are currently living on the basis that they’ll probably all die before I do so they’ll be fair game by the time I meet my maker sixty or seven years from now. 

The backbone of any great band is the bass player. Think Paul McCartney in The Beatles, Bootsy Collins in Parliament-Funkadelic or Larry Graham in Sly & The Family Stone. That’s why Heaven’s House Band will have the big man himself, Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, failed 2008 Presidential candidate, Twitter comedian and, more importantly for our purposes, the bass player for Capitol Offense, a cover band that plays country, Motown and Classic Rock covers. 


Huckabee is the glue of Heaven’s House Band. He’ll be laying down some tasty grooves but since he’s also one of the funniest Republicans this side of Donald Trump Jr., he’ll be in charge of the stage banter as well. I hope people aren’t too tired from laughing at Huckabee’s dad jokes to dance! And who’s that singing back-up for Heaven’s House Band? Why it’s the Big Man’s spirited daughter and Trump’s warrior for truth, Sarah Huckabee Sanders! They’re making beautiful music together, literally, not just figuratively! 

As for guitar, that’s where political strategist and blues guitarist extraordinaire Lee Atwater comes into play. When Atwater wasn’t cynically exploiting the racism and xenophobia of the American populace to help his Conservative employers win elections and oppress minorities, he was letting the blues consume him as a guitarist who released a 1990 album featuring contributions from B.B King, Billy Preston and Isaac Hayes. 

This is FUNK 

This is FUNK 

Ah, but this is not a Conservative ensemble by any stretch of the imagination because on sax we’ve got none other than Mr. Cool, AKA Slick Willie, AKA the Sax Man, Former President Bill Clinton. Heaven’s Band is going to play mostly covers of songs that are popular at weddings, like “Macarena”, “Electric Slide” and “Who Let the Dogs Out” but will find time in every song for an extended saxophone solo from the two term Democratic President and heavenly rocker. 


But that’s not all. We need some more part-time rockers to round things out, and you can’t do better than alum from the Rock Bottom Remainders. People know the Rock Bottom Remainders as a silly vanity project that allows best-selling authors like Stephen King and Carl Hiassen to live out their rock star fantasies in a tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating fashion. 

I know the Rock Bottom Remainders the Beatles of their generation, but better because it included the writer and director of Maximum Overdrive among its members. That’s why we’ve got Rock Bottom Remainders fixtures Amy Tan on vocals and Tuesdays with Morrie author Mitch Albom on keyboards in Heaven's House Band. 

Now THIS is what I call ROCK 

Now THIS is what I call ROCK 

Now you may have noticed that my selections for Heaven’s House Band is heavy on non-musicians but light on actual dead people. That’s why Albom is going to get a little help on the keyboards from second keyboardist L. Ron Hubbard, who will tickle the electrified ivories and sometimes sing when not helping his bandmates with their engrams.


We all have different ideas of who should be in Heaven’s house band but this is the only correct one. I don’t want to die, but knowing that these guys will be waiting for me up in heaven, instruments in hand, is one hell of a consolation prize, no pun intended. 

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