If the American Flag Offends You, Leave! I'll Help You Pack But We’ll Need to Work Out the Logistics Beforehand


Donald Trump recently made badass patriotic history when he told the America-hating, Commie-loving Muslim Traitors collectively known as “The Squad” that if they didn’t like America, then they could go back to the “totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came”, whose governments he described as the “worst, most corrupt and inept anywhere in the world.” 

The FAKE NEWS media tried to smear Trump’s words as racist and xenophobic but I gotta say I once again agree with our fine President. If you hate America so damn much that you’ve got to protest it like an Antifa-Loving, Black Lives Matter, flag-disrespecting domestic terrorist then I also cordially invite you to go back to whatever desolate pit you came from. Shit, I’ll even help you pack! 

We’ve got to work out the logistics of me helping you pack to leave the country you hate so goddamn much beforehand or things could get complicated.

First off, I’m only going to help you pack to leave our country forever if you live within a twenty mile radius of my home. I am a busy man. I sure as shit am not going to fly to fucking Brooklyn or some shit on my own dime, pay a fortune to stay at some drug-and-hooker-infested hotel and then spend entire days helping you pack up the entire inventory of your Socialist Feminist bookstore so you can start over in one of those non-shitty foreign countries like France or Belgium or the one where all the bikini models come from. 


The offer to help strangers pack free of charge applies EXCLUSIVELY to losers who hate America so much that they’re willing to slink back to whatever shithole they came from because they can’t hack it in the USA. If you’ve been planning to move back to your country of origin for a long time, to spend more time with your family, and the decision has nothing to do with the current President, then I am not going to help you move. I will only perform free manual labor for people I hate. I hope that makes sense. 

Also, I am not providing any packing or moving materials. If you think I’m going to show up at the doorstep of your commie hideout with boxes and tape and a moving van you’re out of your Bernie Sanders-loving mind. YOU will provide all the packing and moving material. I’m not bringing anything but my contempt for you as a person, a bad back, arthritic knees and an eagerness to gloat over your imminent departure from the country that I love (you can tell because I’m always talking about how much I love our country and how patriotic I am) but that you have proven yourself unworthy of living in. 

I’m not in college anymore, so don’t think you can get away with having me provide free, exhausting labor in exchange for a beer and a slice of pizza. If I’m going to help you pack, you Commie traitor, I choose the delivery option for lunch and dinner and demand a six pack of craft beer upon arrival. Getting a little tipsy will help me forget that I’m doing tedious physical work for hours on end for the benefit of a hated enemy to prove a muddled political point. 


Y’all don’t get to choose what we watch while packing either. I ain’t gonna let some precious snowflake fleeing our country because the President hurt their precious feelings and they feel “triggered” any time someone says “Merry Christmas” or “God Bless America” or “Happy Birthday” dictate our viewing choices while packing. I REFUSE to watch Rosie O’Donnell stand-up specials or The View or old Al Gore speeches or whatever it is Liberals watch to get their rock off. No, we’re listening to Alex Jones and Dinesh D’Souza and admiring the editorial cartoons of genius and patriot Ben Garrison. 

Now that I really think about it, I don’t want y’alls Latte-sipping, Sharia Law-seeking, bike-riding ass lecturing me about why everyone should be a Muslim trans Marijuana addict on public aid while I neatly sort and pack your books, furniture and personal curios into boxes and then carry them out into a moving truck waiting outside.

I don’t want to interact with you at all, Demoncrat Obama-lover. So why don’t we pack in shifts? Why don’t you leave the door unlocked, along with a list of instructions and relevant information, and then I can get to work? 


Aargh! That’s not gonna work either!  That’d make me feel like a slave or a servant rather than a great patriot delighting in our nation’s housing one less green-haired, hairy-pitted Pinko traitor degenerate. 

The more I think about this, the less sense it makes. 

I realize that offering to help strangers you hate pack to leave America forever and never come back is a strange, unpalatable combination of “Fuck You!” and considerate personal favor, but I want you, the person who needs to love America or leave it, possibly with my unpaid assistance, to focus on the “Fuck you!” part, not the “me doing you a favor and being a good friend” aspect. 

I’m doing this because I want you and your kind out of the country so bad that I’m willing to personally step in to make the process of getting the fuck out of God’s own USA easier and more appealing, not so that you’ll have another pair of helpful hands around while making a major life change. And free ones at that! 


Actually, I’m not going to help you pack. It’s just too much of a logistical nightmare but I still want you to leave and never come back. I’m just not going to assist you in the process because doing so would inconvenience me unnecessarily. 

Man, I really didn’t think this whole thing through!

But Mexico, they’ll help you pack AND help you move. They’re good about shit like that.

Support independent media and help ensure a robust present and future for the Happy Place by pledging over at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace

OR get in on the red-hot The Weird Accordion to Al book crowd-funding campaign over at https://make-the-weird-accordion-to-al-book-a-ridiculous-r.backerkit.com/hosted_preorders