Great News for the Powerful! No Other Famous People Were Involved in Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy's Massive, Decades-Long Sex Trafficking Ring and No Further Investigation is Needed!

I am not a conspiracy theorist. That’s not because  I hold humanity in high regard. On the contrary, I think people lack the self-discipline and stealthiness necessary to pull off a large conspiracy. 

There are many conspiracy theories swirling around Jeffrey Epstein and, to a lesser extent, Diddy that are rooted in evidence and facts.  

Epstein’s power was rooted in a personal fortune that was never anywhere near as massive as he’d like people to believe (not unlike his longtime best friend Donald Trump), but also in connections and access. The prolific rapist and defiler of innocence seemingly knew everyone. Epstein was savvy and calculating. He didn’t just pursue strategic friendships; he cultivated mutually beneficial relationships with some of the most powerful people in the world. 

The same holds true of Diddy. After his arrests, conservatives posted pictures online of Diddy with a wide variety of Democratic and show business luminaries. The photos weren’t anywhere near as incriminating as MAGA might think because everyone took pictures with Diddy, including Donald Trump. 

Epstein couldn’t run a massive sex trafficking operation by himself. The same is true of Diddy, who added drug trafficking and addiction to the mix. 

Diddy’s maddeningly temporary downfall seemingly promised a cultural reckoning to rival those engendered by #MeToo and George Floyd’s murder. 

Just as #MeToo exposed a toxic army of sexual predators hiding in plain sight who were protected for decades by power, money and influence, Diddy’s arrest seemingly spelled doom for the many celebrities and power-brokers caught up in his dark world of Freak-Offs and Wild King Nights, where drug-fueled women and men, some sex workers, were forced to perform sexually for the Bad Boy mogul over a period of days. 

Early reporting on the scandal was full of names surprising (Reginald Veljohnson, Cuba Gooding Jr) and otherwise. 

Diddy’s crimes were public and incontrovertible. He was caught on tape delivering a vicious beating to ex-girlfriend and protege Cassie Ventura. Diddy had no choice but to offer a half-assed, mealy-mouthed apology he quickly deleted. 

I have good news for rich, powerful people concerned that their sex crimes might come to light: investigations were held and NO ONE FAMOUS was legally implicated in Diddy’s massive sex and drug trafficking ring! 

That might seem impossible given the scope, length, and intensity of an audacious criminal operation, but that’s the conclusion the legal system came to regarding his crimes. 

It sure seemed like a lot of famous folks were caught up in one of the biggest pop-culture scandals of all time, but apparently, the only people involved were Diddy, his girlfriends, and sex workers he paid to have sex with his partners while he watched, masturbated furiously, and barked out directions. Everyone wants to direct, but that generally refers to film, not soul-crushing orgies of doom.  

Diddy threw some of the most legendary, high-profile soirees of all time. Famous people pined for an invitation to one of his legendary white parties. The wealthiest, most famous, and influential people in the world attended Diddy’s parties, only to leave immediately once it became apparent that something unsavory and criminal might happen. 

Every single famous person grasped immediately that something illegal and immoral was occurring and left before the debauchery and decadence could begin.

If I know celebrities, they don’t go in for that kinky sex stuff. Vanilla missionary with the wife is always good enough for the A-list.

Reporting on Diddy’s secret nighttime world revealed a down-low subculture within Hip Hop where famous male rappers, singers, and executives enjoyed homosexual flings with one another while aggressively promoting images that were not just heterosexual but openly homophobic. 

Oh well. I guess that didn’t happen. Rap was pushed out of the closet when Diddy was accused of sexual assault by producer Rodney “Li’l Rod” Jones. Then it went back into the closet, possibly for good. 

I was similarly non-surprised to learn that the Trump administration looked into the matter thoroughly and, despite oodles of evidence to the contrary, determined that, actually, there was no Epstein list, he wasn’t blackmailing anyone, he definitely killed himself, and there was no point investigating the matter any further. 

“Nothing to see here!” insisted FBI director Kash Patel and deputy Dan Bongino, who rose to prominence as conspiracy theorists convinced that the release of the Epstein List would instantly decimate the Democratic Party and show business with its seedy revelations. 

Patel and Bongino looked like someone was holding a gun to their heads that would rip apart both their brains with the same bullet if they said the Epstein list was real or that he killed himself. 

Jeffrey Epstein considered Donald Trump his best friend. They have been extensively photographed and filmed together. 

Trump is on record gushing about how Epstein loved women almost as much as he does, and he liked them on the young side, something that the Q army inexplicably seems to have no problem with.

There’s a mountain of incriminating evidence about Trump and Epstein’s longtime friendship and strategic partnership that’s out in the open, for everyone to see. Seeing him on the list would feel redundant.  

Trump LITERALLY praised the most famous underage sex trafficker in the world for being a womanizer who likes them young, yet his base delusionally imagined that the release of the Epstein List would completely exonerate Trump and Alan Dershowitz but destroy Hollywood and the Democrats. 

For a while, it seemed that rich and powerful individuals would be held accountable for their crimes and transgressions. Thank god that passed quickly!